Enjoy this internet. Kiala is most likely going to kill me for it.

~dane

And yes, Dane fell off the vagon about a week ago and he has been pussying out on telling the internet about it super busy with some big deadline thing that has to do with Nike? Or HP? I don’t really know what he does but I do know there’s a lot of type type typing on the computer and then we get a paycheck. It’s kind of just like what I do on the computer only instead of money I get the POWER and the GLORY. Sometimes I get recognized at nearby area mexican restaurants. Anyway, same same, right?

On our first night at the new place we came home after several celebratory pitchers of margarooties with Megan and Justin and immediately, because we are responsible pet owners who care about the health and mental well being of our animals, let ZZ out of her cage kennel and took her out to pee. Which she did. On the rug. In the foyer. In front of the security camera of our new apartment building.

God. And Dane almost had an embolism about it because he is tired and this is his first dog and whenever she does something she shouldn’t - like poop in the hallway or eat a whole kid - he panics.
Luckily for the both of us, and for our marriage, our new building is about 150% populated with gay dog owners who recently moved here from New York - the most unflappable, capable and funny of the gay dog owning specimen. The one who helped us was named Lucas and he misses New York SO MUCH. He was incredibly helpful (especially considering how incoherent and tequila-y I was) and ran up to his apartment to get us paper towels and Nature’s Miracle and then helped us clean up the pee.

We need to do something nice for him so help me, internet, and give me your suggestions as to what would be the perfect thank you gift for the gay dog owning Nature’s Miracle wielding New York SO MUCH missing Lucas?

Justin took these pictures - I think while driving his car at speeds upwards of one million miles per hour. He’s like the paparazzi. Or magic.

I interviewed Stuff White People Like author, Christian Lander, last week and although it was pretty awkward what with my insistence on asking him “funny” questions and then not really listening to the answers because I was too busy trying to write them down without using my broken pinky - he was very gracious and I managed to get a good interview out of it. You can read the abbreviated version here on The Mercury’s new and improved website where you can now leave comments on my articles! And on other people’s too, I suppose, but this is my blog and it’s about me. Just like everything else in the world.

The day after our interview I looked at Christian’s website and I am just saying that the post that day was this.

Coincidence? You tell me.

Dr Henry Martins
to undisclosed-re.

Good tidings to you as you read.
Please permit me to write you irrespective of the fact we have not met before. I
got your contact through network online hence
I decided to write you. I would be very interested in offering you a part-time
paying job in which you could earn up to $7,000 a month as extra income.
opening an account would have been my best choice if I was not working on a
deadline that must meet a 24 hour turn around time, other options are not on my
side due to time, money, and requirements. This is why I am offering a part
time opportunity to someone responsible who can supply prompt assistant and
service.
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Work as my payment assistant in charge of collecting and processing the payments
from the associates.
1. Receive payment (inform of money orders/checks) from my Clients/Associates.
2. Cash the Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10%, which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. You will then forward the balance via Western Union Money Transfer
according to my instruction.
REQUIREMENT:
18 years or older.
Responsible, Reliable and Trustworthy Available to work a minimum 3-4 hours per
week.Able to check and respond to emails often.
Easy telephone access.
IS THIS LEGAL? YES
It is very legal, Doing this job is 100% safe and legal. I would be glad if
you accept my proposal for an opportunity to make up 10% of each transaction
completed. Please reply via email with complete information as requested:
A. NAME,==============
B. STREET ADDRESS (NOT P.O BOX),=================
C. CITY:===============================
D. STATE:=============================
E. ZIP CODE============================
F. COUNTRY============================
G. MOBILE NUMBER, ====================
H. AGE, ===============================
I. SEX, ==================================
J. OCCUPATION============================
K. E MAIL==================================
All replies should be sent to drhenrymartinss@gmail.com
Regards,
Dr Henry Martins

“Ability to check and respond to emails often”? OMG YES.

“Is this legal? Yes!” So reassuring!

You had me at Western Union Money Transfer, Dr Martins.

If you all will excuse me, I’m going to go change my Myspace headline to include my SSN and birthdate.

It was really, really hot and we were all sweaty but whatever, the Crowbar has margaritas - wait for it - ON TAP.

Were they good? Not particularly….but they came out of a tap and ever since reading MFK Fisher’s story about red and white wine spigots in the bathroom of a Dijon hotel room, I have been dying to drink something non beer-y from a faucet.

Anyway, I was totally retarded downsy and shy the way I am and Superfan Erica was so funny and pretty and confident and brave (she cuts her own hair). Actually, she reminded me more than a little bit of Alison Hallett. I think we should get them together. And take pictures. What.

Melissa met us there a few minutes later and she looked so great in her summer dress and not sweaty the way I was all sweaty. And she met Superfan for the first time..

Superfan: Not really comfortable with being called Superfan

We then proceeded to make Erica show us the entire contents of her ginormous bag. You see, Erica is 25 years old, smart, pretty and SINGLE (hear that internet? SINGLE) and so Melissa and I are compelled to live vicariously through her adventures. Some of Superfan’s overnight necessities…

Michael Cunningham book: Note…NOT The Hours

You never know when you might have to jam

Fresh tee shirt: For freshness. Like I said.

I WOULD NEVER THINK TO BRING A PHONE CHARGER - BRILLIANT

Thank God we met her. Otherwise, I’d still be watching DVR’d episodes of The Hills over and over again in an effort to recapture my youth. Oh! Speaking of The Hills, we also saw Brody Jenner later that night…

Brody Jenner(ish) and the redheaded Zach Galifinakis…or a leprechaun.

Anyway, we went to The Ambassador and then wandered around Sandy Blvd until we accidentally found Chopsticks. We also did some kind of newscast with Superfan Erica while on Sandy. Melissa should be posting that video soon enough.

Chopsticks was the way it always is. Hot, smoky, weird crowd. I decided it would be a good idea to sing Lose Yourself by Eminem. I do not make good choices. But Erica sang Ludacris’ Stand Up and it was so good. SO GOOD.

I think I’m her Superfan now. Superfan Kiala.

I’m afraid I wasn’t much fun last night. I’ve got a lot of writing to do in the next few days and it’s my own fault and I can do it, but I’m a little…um…stifled because of it. I don’t manage stress well.

I ate some shrimp today. Sorry.

So, this weekend I have to go out to every karaoke place in the WORLD for an article I’m working on for The Mercury and it is going to be like 850 billion degrees. However, since becoming a militant vegan activist 5 days ago, all of my summer clothes totally fit me again, so I won’t be forced to wear a sweatshirt to hide my jelly belly. I hate that term.

Anyway, tonight I’m going to The Hutch and Yen Ha and maybe also The Ambassador. But here’s the rub - I can’t drink very much because I have to keep my stamina up for the next three nights. Plus, I’m vegan now and if I get all drunk everyone will be able to laugh at my drunkenness and look down on me and if I can’t be the one looking down on the people then WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING THIS FOR?

And tomorrow night I get to have karaoke girl’s night, whee!!!!! Melissa Lion, myself, and my new Superfan, Erica are getting together for one night of ribaldry and excitement! I hope Erica remembers not to look Melissa directly in the eyes and also to always, ALWAYS bow her way out of the room.

I’m very excited to meet my Superfan. I only saw her for a split second on NW 21st, but she looked pretty. And she’s funny. And she’s from the east coast. And she thinks I’m like a god or something. And now she knows where I live.

What could go wrong?

Hahahaha.

I’m scared.

NO! No. I really am looking forward to the three of us hanging out. Erica seems super cool. I am a little worried about ordering drinks and things because usually Dane takes care of that and I’m afraid I might just sit somewhere for an hour before I realize I’m not actually drinking anything and no one cares. And I’ll miss Dane. I’m sappy.

I wish Crissy could be with us. It would be so awesome and we could all have a big pillow fight and take pictures and Ken would have a heart attack. But in a good way.

And I haven’t told Superfan and Melissa this yet, but a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in TWO YEARS is going to be at The Alibi with her friends and so we’re going there too.

So many girls. I bet we all get our periods, like, fucking immediately.

Finger: Hurt all night long.

No, no, no….actually, things just got a little, really, super crazy in freelance writing world and I needed to take care of some minutiae (thanks Sy!) before my new vegan world goes vegan insane - or vegansane. Right? RIGHT?

What I am saying is I had to get a haircut.

Things are a little tight in the funds department here at the Hesselwedonotenslavebees as of this moment so luckily, I had been holding onto a gift certificate to Aveda for a few months. It was worth it. The nice Aveda lady gave me a scalp massage and I almost had an orgasm. That’s not cheating, is it? Sorry Dane!

Afterwards, I felt all relaxed and smelled delicious and cruelty free and it was beautiful outside and thanks to all the beans and vegetables I’ve been eating, my pants fit me again and ladies..we all know what a magical and wondrous feeling that is.

So, I went to Trader Joe’s and suddenly my world was FUCKED. It took me 20 minutes to find bread. Goddamn you bees! And as Stoogepie noted in his comment on yesterday’s post, by the time I had found three things to put in my basket I was ready to just give up on eating in general. This is why vegans are so slender. That and all the vegan cocaine they do.

But I ran into my friend Kenny who told me all about vegan things and promised to send me a really good mac and cheese recipe and also he has this incredibly good idea that vegan Portland hipsters are going to freak the fuck out over. Seriously, they are going to pee their fixies. I can’t tell you what it is, but I’m giving him 3 months to do something about it, or else I will. He’s a drummer anyway. He’ll probably explode or something before he makes it happen.

And today I’m going to a screening. Something about sexy teenagers. My job is HARD. And I have to take the stupid bus up to NE Portland. I’m going to try not to touch anything. Or anyone. Unless, they give me money because did I mention things are a little strained financially?

Also! I need to get some kind of badge or shirt or tote bag so I can lord my veganity over the peoples of my city. I want it to say, “Vegans Against Airlocking” or something equally as nerdy.

I’m still working on it.