It’s the maddening tickle in my right nostril that really gets me. And it extends to everything on that side of my face. My eye is all twitchy and my ear is plugged up and there is only so much Zicam I can take before my heart explodes from the crazy zinc-y stimulant.

So I think I’ll take it easy today and just clean the house, vacuum the furbleweeds, run the stairs in the West Hills, bake some cookies, organize the closets, clean the baseboards, and write my novel. You know, veg out as the kids used to say.

In the meantime I’m here to answer your questions because it’s Friday!

And today’s advice column - in honor of my longstanding obsession with people who have food obsessions- is about nutrition. So go on, ask me your questions and I will answer them because I want you to be the perfectest perfect you that you can perfectly be.

And I may even answer one or two in video format. Huh? RIGHT? Exciting! So c’mon kids, let’s kick those eating disorders into high gear! Let’s talk food!

Or, you know…whatever. Ask about urinary tract infections - I don’t care. I can’t stop blowing my nose because September is a dirty, dirty lying whore of a month who promises “berrrs” but instead delivers 90 degree weather and pollen storms which blow in a south southeasterly direction through my sinuses.

I’m going out to lunch with my mother and then swinging by the Mercury offices to pick up some stuff (piles of cash, if you want to know the truth) and then back home to blow my nose all afternoon.

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S.

That’s me.

And let the questionings begin….

That’s what I do - I join things on the internet because the internet is a safe, magical, wondrous place which gives you a hug and a cookie each and every day.

Here’s a song.

and

one more

Right here!

Hi Guys! Welcome to Friday!

I’ll bet you’ve got lots of things planned this weekend, haven’t you? Like cocaine binges, the Thea-tah, trips to the museum, and getting majorly ta-rashed on vodka sodas. Am I right? And I’ll bet you haven’t really thought about how much money you’ll be spending on all this cultcha, now have you? And I’ll also bet you’ve got a million niggling (omg, is that…is it…is it ok to say “niggling”?) worries and doubts rattling around inside your mind about your weekend finances.

Well buck up, little campers, Senior Financial Analyst Kiala is here to answer your weekend money questions, soothe your fears, and put the “Fine” back in “Financial”. Let me just find my calculator. One sec. Ah here it is! (Blows dust off and types “boobless” immediately.)

“But Senior Financial Analyst Kiala” you say, “are you qualified? At all?”

BAH! Harrumph! And other old man sounds. Of course I’m qualified. I have 60, 000 dollars in student loan debt which, until very recently was in default status AND I’m fairly certain I owe at least three Hollywood Video’s upwards of sixty dollars each. So, you ask, am I qualified?

No.

Bring on the questions! Senior Financial Analyst Kiala awaits your thingies.

It’s that day of the week again, kids. The day all of your questions are answered in the form of a comment. The day Dr. Intern Meagan™ dons her sparkling white coat and whips out her prescription pad of love. It’s Ask Dr. Intern Meagan™ Thursday! So go ahead, peoples, ask ask away!

Personally, I would like her to explain Sarah Palin and the glamour she cast over the world media last night. I can only imagine newts and their little eyes were involved. I don’t trust her dark magicks.

Bring on the questions!

So this PGE truck was suspiciously parked outside of our apartment building all day yesterday.

It looks like someone took an unmarked van and stenciled “Portland General Electric” on it.

Am I crazy?

Wait, don’t answer that.

I bought too many pairs of shoes yesterday at Target. I know, I know - you’re thinking, “Is that even possible?”

I feel a little guilty about it. Particularly because I bought the same pair of shoes in three different colors. The thing is I haven’t bought any shoes since er…December or so (flip flops do not count) and these were from Target, as I mentioned in that sentence up there, so I’m pretty sure they don’t count either. Plus we had a gift card.

The thing with Target shoes is you have to be careful about the plastic-y leather ones which will bite your heels painfully because they are made entirely out of old, discarded Trapper Keepers. I was smart, though and went for the faux suede moccasins which are made entirely out of old, discarded um, moccasins. So soft. So moccasin-y.

I kind of have Back to School Fever and yes, I realize we still have a good month/month and a half of summer yet but if Delias.com says it’s fall and the Brass Plum says it’s fall then it is fucking fall already.

My God, I really am desperately holding onto my youth. I guess here is where I should tell you about the fringe-y boots I also got. I was in some kind of seventeen year old off to college frenzy. Obviously, at some point yesterday, I went back in time and thought these would come in handy for those early morning European History classes and post-dorm party dining commons trips.

When I asked Dane if these made me look like Pocahontas he said yes but only if he could be John Smith.

I’m not sure what he meant by that but I’m fairly certain it involves me reading a map while Dane smokes a peace pipe and looks down my deerskin shift dress. Or something. I never saw that movie. I did see Mulan, however, which I think is the same thing but with more war.

Okay, I’ve gone way off book here. Sorry, where was I?

Oh! It’s Mad Men night at the Hesselbees and I hope you all are coming. Please email me if you haven’t yet so that I can clean a small patch of the floor and/or steal furniture from the lobby for you to sit on. If need be, everyone can sit on my lap. And if that isn’t enough to entice you then I don’t know what is.

Moccasins!

Well, hello there.

How are you all this morning? I’ve just been reading my Mad Men character Twitter updates. And asking @trudy_campbell which Manhattan restaurant one goes to after being told by one’s husband to “deal with” one’s maternal yearnings on one’s own.

Annnywaaaay, it’s that time of the week again and I hope to Christ you’ve all been thinking, thinking, thinking about what you would like Dr. Intern Meagan™ to fix for you inside your minds. Ready? Go!

Eric Schaeffer directed, wrote and starred in If Lucy Fell and MORE IMPORTANTLY, My Life’s in a Turnaround - a movie my best friend and I rented from Hollywood Video in 1993 and then didn’t return for so long that it took our already low credit scores to an even lower level. Like…Seventh or Eighth Circle Credit or something.

Anyway, Turnaround is a sweet, funny, indie New York-centric movie about making a movie and has a great scene with Phoebe Cates and Schaeffer in a cab (he plays a cabbie) where he asks her, “How mad are you that Demi Moore stole your haircut?”

GENIUS.

Anyway, at the time, the movie seemed so good and like something we could actually make ourselves…someday…after we got through fictional film/art/becoming famous for no particular reason school and so, because we were completely retarded, we called Manhattan Information and tried to get his phone number.

It was unlisted.

And then last night, as Dane and I were noodling around with the On Demand trying to find something to watch, we discovered that Eric Schaeffer now has a reality series on Showtime documenting his quest to fall in love as he travels across the country promoting his new book, I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single.

I was excited. And then we watched it.

Now, here’s the thing…Schaeffer has always come across as a more depraved Woody Allen and a bit of a model hoarder, but in this show he amps up the kink/horniness factor a thousandfold. In the first episode we found out he-

1,) Sleep binge eats and gets chocolate all over his sheets which he discovers really is chocolate by sniffing it.

2.) Has not one, but two dominatrixes, on call to pleasure him anally with various dildos and household objects.

and