I’m in love. I’m in love with Edith Zimmerman – so in love with her I’m considering changing my name to something old time-y like Zelda Fitzgerald or Franny Glass or George Washington.

Seriously, who can pronounce Kiala Kazebee? NO ONE. But I think it’s too late. I’m too famous.

What.

I did some googling on Edith Zimmerman (FUCK YOU RUPERT MURDOCH) and immediately became terrifically depressed. She lives in a quaint little New England town called Brooklyn, New York, obviously is in the know about Kool and the Gang, and is adorable.

Anyway, I’m changing my name. Suggestions?

When God closes pneumonia he opens the bacon flu. Or whatever.

I miss you guys.

And yet, here I am, writing a column every Friday about ladybits health for Heartless Doll. It’s called Fine China: Sexual Health News for Ladies. You see, Fine China is how I refer to my vagina because I am CULTURED and HIGHBROW and REPRESSED.

I’m hoping the column will evolve into a kind of sexual therapy for myself as each week I will be forced to write about “anal sex” and “fisting”. *shudders delicately*

My hope is that other well bred and repressed ladies will come along for the ride (ha!) and within a month or a year I will have nurtured a warm and comfortable environment where topics previously shunned by a male dominated society (like analingus or yeast infections) can GROW and THRIVE. Um.

Anyway, I’m going to write about fucking.

For those of you not following me on the Twitters (HI MOM!) you may be interested to know I have WALKING PNEUMONIA. Exciting, right? What this means is I have some kind of mean bacteria in my left lung and it is making me cough and have a fever and sleep and generally feel like poop. I was in denial about being sick and Saturday morning after coughing consumptive-ly all night Dane forced me to go to Zoom Care and OMG YOU GUYS IT IS LIKE A DREAM IN THERE. So clean and modern! A nice young competent lady at a computer… STANDING UP! She even looks you in the eye and knows what year it is and doesn’t push a clipboard through a weird plastic barrier and then forget to give you a pen because pens are expensive and HMO’s won’t cover the cost of your expensive pen you seem to need to fill out the pushy clipboard and isn’t that rude of you!

The doctor came out to get me – THE DOCTOR DID – and brought me back to the IKEA exam room (Exaam Rüm) and showed me pictures on the internet of my bacteria and typed and talked to me at the same time and told me how much my prescriptions would be and then gave me the name of a doctor in SE Portland who hates the insurance industry and charges reasonable rates and will help me with my anxiety medications. I want to marry Zoom Care. Can Obama help me with this do you think?

So I’m on antibiotics ($10 at the Zoom Care) and ear drops (again $10) and I’ll be weaning off Effexor and ramping up on Celexa because Effexor is $200, 000 a month without insurance and Celexa is a shiny ten cent piece.

Simler Beta rolls out today and the whole Simler team is descending on my house and I have the pneumonias and am not only contagious but I feel like dying and when you feel like dying the last thing you want is a bunch of boys around listening to the effects your antibiotics might have on your digestive tract, etc… so Simler is putting me up at the Hotel Fifty for two nights. I’ll be convalescing at a HOTEL. Isn’t that romantic?

Let’s see….oh! We went to Entertainment for People and it was AMAZING and afterwards Dan Kennedy, Beth Lisick, Melissa, Fancyhats, Frayn, Kevin and a few others went to the Ringside in order to repeat my first Dan Kennedy (and Frayn!) experience.

This time around was much more fun because we’re all so much closer now and Melissa was there and we couldn’t stop laughing and telling each other ridiculous stories and Beth Lisick is so smart and funny and ADORABLE and graciously put up with our drunk friend Luke (who we love) hitting on her the whole time. And Dan was great, you know, the way he is (which is great) and the waitress HATED us for coming in 30 minutes before closing and ordering all happy hour food and drinks and being funny and young and famous. Or something.

Finally, I’m to be a new contributor to Village Voice media’s ladyblog Heartless Doll. I believe my first post will be up tomorrow. What I’m saying is, other than the Consumpmoniafluaids, things are going swimmingly.

Deep breath. A golden ball of light. A pony riding a unicorn holding a kitten in it’s wings. Another deep breath.

PUT THE MEAN WORDS DOWN AND BACK AWAY FROM THE INTERNETS ANGRY PEOPLE.

Ahem.

Okay, I think we can agree two things happened here:

1. I wrote a post about the New Communicators’ poorly written, over thought website. This was not a secret. I said the same thing at the event – maybe a bit nicer, but honestly, it was the same thing. I think it’s on video. Enjoy.

2. Justin Spohn and Dave Allen reacted something something something personal personal blah blah blah NOT ABOUT THE NEW COMMUNICATORS.

I’m kind of at a loss here. I don’t want what is clearly a personal issue to color my opinion of Portland’s ability or inability to take criticism.

I want Portland to succeed. I FUCKING MOVED BACK HERE. I want my friends to succeed. I don’t want them to worry about how they’re going to pay the mortgage or afford health insurance. I don’t want my friends to work shitty jobs they hate just because some dipshits are too ego driven or too afraid to do something differently because it *might* fail. And don’t think I don’t see the implied contradiction in that statement because I do. The New Comm is trying to do something, I know this… but they CANNOT DO IT HALF ASSED. They can’t just sort of dick around and talk and talk and have meetings about change but then stand back with their hands in the air and say,”Well that part – the change part -  is for you to decide how to do because we don’t know what we are yet have a beer!”

You have to have a plan of action. You have to guide that plan. You have to see a clear path before you can stray from it.

I had a really good meeting today with a New Comm member who is not in any way afraid of criticism. This person wants to plan and act. This person is not trying to disguise this thing as a “movement” or some other bullshit altruistic endeavor. This person wants the same things we all want: security, a reason to get up every morning, success, a house made out of gold. Or whatever. This person did not get mad when I said the copy on the website was shitty- they could have, but they didn’t. Instead, they took what I said as an opportunity to fix the problem in a way they hadn’t thought of before which – if I finally understand this thing correctly – is what the New Comm is trying to do.

And finally – Boners. Boners, people.

I have it. I have it in my ears, too. Is that part of the consumption or am I confusing one disease with another – like the plague? No matter, I’m sick and I’m stuck in bed (THE HORROR) with nothing to do but fret about not working out, tight pants, and my Future As A Journalist.

I’m hoping very much to stay with Village Voice Media in some capacity (NOT AS BLOG JANITOR SHUT UP JERKS)  and then of course there is the comic I’m working on and when I say “I’m working on” I really mean “Eoin is working on”. Eoin has been drawing and drawing and researching and drawing and what have I done? NOTHING. I’m an asshole. So I will work on that today because I have no excuses left to not focus on it and…ooh look at that shiny thing!

Dane and I went to the New Communicators Q&A session this week at Substance (an interactive design agency here in Portland). I couldn’t keep my mouth shut (surprise!) and asked if they thought the language on the website was a wee bit confusing and also told them what I was hearing at the event was NOT AT ALL what I got from the site. Turns out the guy facilitating the Q&A was the ahem..author of the website. OOPIE. (It looks like they changed the language a bit but it’s still terrible) Oh well. Here are some pics from the event. Looking at them, you can see…uh..well…mostly that I need to invest in some sort of under eye concealer.

The main reason I went to the New Comm thing is since we’ve moved back I’ve been pretty critical of the tech scene in Portland and I felt like it was time to olive branch some shit out and you know, just shut the hell up. HOWEVER, what appeared to be a good idea (creating a space and infrastructure for local businesses to help each other get shit happening) not only has been done over and over again (with dubious results) but with The New Communicators, the language is so confusing and pretentious I just don’t see how it ’s going to succeed. You see, this is what happens when advertising people get into the business of communications without hiring actual goddamn writers. The first rule of journalism is never use a five dollar word when a ten cent one will do. I guess what I’m getting at is HIRE JOURNALISTS TO WRITE YOUR COPY AD PEOPLE.

That is all.

YOU GUYS. I’m famous!

S3 Ep1 of the Guild (”Expansion Time”) is out and Dane and I are in it. We’re kind of brilliant, I think. Standing and sitting like that. We used the Method obviously. Also, we got wicked sunburns.

Ahhh…the memories this video brings back. Felicia taking me by the arm and leading me out to the little stinky tent to watch the monitor and meet Sean Becker. ZZ trying to bite Wil Wheaton. Sucking in my belly every time Sean would yell, “ROLLING!”

Hollywood is glamorous is it not?

Note the moment Kim Evey (dressed as the bag lady) “smiles” down at Felicia. PRICELESS. You can’t teach somebody that level of comedy.

Clicky.