After watching the latest episode of 30 Days this weekend about farm animal abuse, Dane and I are all ready to climb up on our high horse (after we whisper gently into his horsey ear, “Do you mind if I climb up on you?”) and ride it around like only a vegan knows how to do. What I am saying is yes, we are totally going vegan for one entire cheeseless meatless honeyless month.

And that month starts today. Well, tonight actually. At dinner. Which will be vegan mac ‘n cheese. BABY STEPS.

You all remember the proposal Dane made to me last week when he offered to give up control over his diet to me and I offered to do the same with my writing “career”, right? Well, this is the upshot. And instead of just going healthy, organic, and local I decided to make things impossible by playing the vegan card. And Dane is DOWN WITH IT. So down with it, he’s starting his own blog - www.daneeatsvegan.com. It should be up tomorrow and he’s promised to post every day for a month about his journey into veganhood. I’m hoping he talks a lot about his poop.

I’m pretty excited about it, but then again, I like rice and vegetables and nutritional yeast and tofu.

Dane likes meat fried on a stick….dipped in butter.

And just to keep us motivated, here is a picture of what I think I might look like in 10 years - or for that matter, Dane too - if we don’t give this a shot:

Kathleen Turner: Probably not vegan

That’s a Portland reference.

Anyway, I’m very uncomfortable being on camera and my future therapist thinks this is a good idea. Oh, you didn’t know? I can also TELL THE FUTURE.

Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t know. Okay, I guess I can’t tell the future.

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12:59 pm: I might die. Also, I am a total idiot. Carry on.

Self Portrait: Idiot With Margarita

UPDATE: ZZ’s fine. Thank you all so much for not only supporting me but my dog too. You guys are the best. Anypoop, she had food bloat (BEEN THERE) and now she’s all sleepy from the binging and purging. I blame her father and the way he withholds love from her when she gains a couple of pounds.

It was fine! It was just fine! After all my bellyaching and my fussiness about my hair being too hot around my face and I forgot a rubber band and Alison loaned me hers and then Megan loaned me hers too so I stuck Alison’s rubber band in the pocket of my dress and forgot where it was and now she probably thinks I’m a rubber band thief.

Which I am.

But it was fine! Alison told a really funny story about going to France and breaking up with a chubby guy back home via email because, hey, it’s France and everyone rides bikes while smoking and drinking red wine and that is HOTTT.

And other people told other stories that I pretended to listen to but really I was just managing my mild panic attack and FINALLY was ushered across the street by my best friend Sy Parrish to a nice bathroom with mirrors and water with which to wash down my klonopin.

CRAP. More later….we have to take ZZ to the emergency room. She ate a plastic bag this morning. Hang on internet.

Oh my goodness, oh my goodnessssss!!!! The thing happens tomorrow! The Backfence thing!

I’m scared. Seriously. But tonight I’m going to see a James McAvoy movie with Alison Hallett who will also be a part of the thing that happens tomorrow and maybe we’ll talk about how scared we both are and about how James McAvoy is just the thing to comfort us in our time of need.

In honor of Mackey and my fragile feelings I have today (read:terrified out of my mind) here is a video. I found it on the internet.

It’s for your own good. Trust me.

This Thursday I’m going to be telling a story for Backfence PDX. (For info on what the hell Backfence PDX is, click here. DO IT. CLICK)

Anycrap, what I have to do, what all 6 of us will be doing, is telling a six minute story about summer and love without any notes or paper or hints or black tar heroin. And my particular story has the potential to be so embarrassing and judgment inviting that I can’t believe I’m going to tell it, but I am anyway. Because I am an attention seeking whore.

So that’s happening and you should all come down and witness my abject humiliation and extreme blushingness. My story is guaranteed to make everyone feel just a wee bit uncomfortable in the pants area. And I bet you dollars to donuts my story has more cocaine in it than ALL OF THE OTHER ONES COMBINED. So I win. Maybe.

There is going to be a winner, right?

Speaking of winning, the internet has clearly decided that the Dane Management of Kiala/ Kiala Management of Dane Month of Doing Just That (I should probably think of a better name) is a good idea. So we’ve decided to start on Friday. I’m scared.

4:40 pm - Every single person here is a total asshole.

I’m eating this - it’s half a veggie sausage on a whole grain ezekiel english muffin with spinach, avocado and jalapenos. I’m very healthy all the time.

Lunch: Not this one but one very much like it and soon.

So last night Dane proposed something to me. He said that I could take over his nutrition for a month (although, ominously, “not on weekends” he said) if he could take over my writing career. What he means is getting me to pitch stories to people who might say no to me which makes me cry mad and not the actual writing because I am a genius and he, sadly, is not.

What do you think, internet…should I let him and also, do I really want to force Dane to eat vegetables for a month? Doesn’t that seem like a lot of work?

This whole hour has been about Father’s Day and I grew up Dadless. Between the marriage and finance thing and Dads, the Today Show has found a clever way to both alienate and wound me. Jerks.

Where is my segment on Eating Organic On a Budget? Or Wine and Choco- OH!

This segment is about Beer and Wine and Chocolate!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Kathie Lee is intimidated by wine. (And black people.)

The beer guy is comparing wine (because its only made out of one thing-grapes) to having sex in one position for your entire life. Kathie Lee didn’t seem to see anything wrong with that. Lights out, eyes shut, missionary position.

Whatever, I bet Kathie takes it in the pooper.

OMG. Hoda has a GIGANTIC glass of wine. Watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate is about as sexy as watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate.

Oh no. Hoda and K.L. are sexy dancing with their wine. I might die. Seriously.

And that’s that! Tune in for my next liveblogging foray - I’m thinking about liveblogging the bbq I’m going to on Saturday. That way I won’t have to talk to people. “Sorry! Busy blogging! Why, yes, I would like a veggiedog, thank you - now go away!”

I peed.