Category — Uncategorized

Soooo, we all remember a few weeks ago when our friend Stoogepie, or Stoogie as we ladies like to call him, made a comic for Crissy and it was all sexy and hilarious and wildly inappropriate and probably set feminism back like a milliondy years?

Well….he did one for me.

So hold onto your hats and glasses because there are three different installments coming at you.

I’ve entitled today’s “Kiala Looks Great In Her Underpanties”.

RIGHT?

I can’t tell you how happy this makes me.

(And in case you can’t read it because my blog resizing is retarded, my tee shirt says, “I know Dave Allen” -that’s one of my favorite parts.)

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode, “Kiala Shows New York How Bloggers Do Business Casual”.

I received this offer in my email today from a Dr. Henry Martins.

Dr Henry Martins
to undisclosed-re.

Good tidings to you as you read.
Please permit me to write you irrespective of the fact we have not met before. I
got your contact through network online hence
I decided to write you. I would be very interested in offering you a part-time
paying job in which you could earn up to $7,000 a month as extra income.
opening an account would have been my best choice if I was not working on a
deadline that must meet a 24 hour turn around time, other options are not on my
side due to time, money, and requirements. This is why I am offering a part
time opportunity to someone responsible who can supply prompt assistant and
service.
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Work as my payment assistant in charge of collecting and processing the payments
from the associates.
1. Receive payment (inform of money orders/checks) from my Clients/Associates.
2. Cash the Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10%, which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. You will then forward the balance via Western Union Money Transfer
according to my instruction.
REQUIREMENT:
18 years or older.
Responsible, Reliable and Trustworthy Available to work a minimum 3-4 hours per
week.Able to check and respond to emails often.
Easy telephone access.
IS THIS LEGAL? YES
It is very legal, Doing this job is 100% safe and legal. I would be glad if
you accept my proposal for an opportunity to make up 10% of each transaction
completed. Please reply via email with complete information as requested:
A. NAME,==============
B. STREET ADDRESS (NOT P.O BOX),=================
C. CITY:===============================
D. STATE:=============================
E. ZIP CODE============================
F. COUNTRY============================
G. MOBILE NUMBER, ====================
H. AGE, ===============================
I. SEX, ==================================
J. OCCUPATION============================
K. E MAIL==================================
All replies should be sent to drhenrymartinss@gmail.com
Regards,
Dr Henry Martins

“Ability to check and respond to emails often”? OMG YES.

“Is this legal? Yes!” So reassuring!

You had me at Western Union Money Transfer, Dr Martins.

If you all will excuse me, I’m going to go change my Myspace headline to include my SSN and birthdate.

Last night, Superfan Erica met me at my apartment (she was so prompt!) and we took a cab over to the Crowbar on Mississippi Ave to meet Melissa Lion.

It was really, really hot and we were all sweaty but whatever, the Crowbar has margaritas - wait for it - ON TAP.

Were they good? Not particularly….but they came out of a tap and ever since reading MFK Fisher’s story about red and white wine spigots in the bathroom of a Dijon hotel room, I have been dying to drink something non beer-y from a faucet.

Anyway, I was totally retarded downsy and shy the way I am and Superfan Erica was so funny and pretty and confident and brave (she cuts her own hair). Actually, she reminded me more than a little bit of Alison Hallett. I think we should get them together. And take pictures. What.

Melissa met us there a few minutes later and she looked so great in her summer dress and not sweaty the way I was all sweaty. And she met Superfan for the first time..

Superfan: Not really comfortable with being called Superfan

We then proceeded to make Erica show us the entire contents of her ginormous bag. You see, Erica is 25 years old, smart, pretty and SINGLE (hear that internet? SINGLE) and so Melissa and I are compelled to live vicariously through her adventures. Some of Superfan’s overnight necessities…

Michael Cunningham book: Note…NOT The Hours

You never know when you might have to jam

Fresh tee shirt: For freshness. Like I said.

I WOULD NEVER THINK TO BRING A PHONE CHARGER - BRILLIANT

Thank God we met her. Otherwise, I’d still be watching DVR’d episodes of The Hills over and over again in an effort to recapture my youth. Oh! Speaking of The Hills, we also saw Brody Jenner later that night…

Brody Jenner(ish) and the redheaded Zach Galifinakis…or a leprechaun.

Anyway, we went to The Ambassador and then wandered around Sandy Blvd until we accidentally found Chopsticks. We also did some kind of newscast with Superfan Erica while on Sandy. Melissa should be posting that video soon enough.

Chopsticks was the way it always is. Hot, smoky, weird crowd. I decided it would be a good idea to sing Lose Yourself by Eminem. I do not make good choices. But Erica sang Ludacris’ Stand Up and it was so good. SO GOOD.

I think I’m her Superfan now. Superfan Kiala.

I’m afraid I wasn’t much fun last night. I’ve got a lot of writing to do in the next few days and it’s my own fault and I can do it, but I’m a little…um…stifled because of it. I don’t manage stress well.

I ate some shrimp today. Sorry.

UPDATE: ZZ’s fine. Thank you all so much for not only supporting me but my dog too. You guys are the best. Anypoop, she had food bloat (BEEN THERE) and now she’s all sleepy from the binging and purging. I blame her father and the way he withholds love from her when she gains a couple of pounds.

It was fine! It was just fine! After all my bellyaching and my fussiness about my hair being too hot around my face and I forgot a rubber band and Alison loaned me hers and then Megan loaned me hers too so I stuck Alison’s rubber band in the pocket of my dress and forgot where it was and now she probably thinks I’m a rubber band thief.

Which I am.

But it was fine! Alison told a really funny story about going to France and breaking up with a chubby guy back home via email because, hey, it’s France and everyone rides bikes while smoking and drinking red wine and that is HOTTT.

And other people told other stories that I pretended to listen to but really I was just managing my mild panic attack and FINALLY was ushered across the street by my best friend Sy Parrish to a nice bathroom with mirrors and water with which to wash down my klonopin.

CRAP. More later….we have to take ZZ to the emergency room. She ate a plastic bag this morning. Hang on internet.

Oh my goodness, oh my goodnessssss!!!! The thing happens tomorrow! The Backfence thing!

I’m scared. Seriously. But tonight I’m going to see a James McAvoy movie with Alison Hallett who will also be a part of the thing that happens tomorrow and maybe we’ll talk about how scared we both are and about how James McAvoy is just the thing to comfort us in our time of need.

In honor of Mackey and my fragile feelings I have today (read:terrified out of my mind) here is a video. I found it on the internet.

This whole hour has been about Father’s Day and I grew up Dadless. Between the marriage and finance thing and Dads, the Today Show has found a clever way to both alienate and wound me. Jerks.

Where is my segment on Eating Organic On a Budget? Or Wine and Choco- OH!

This segment is about Beer and Wine and Chocolate!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Kathie Lee is intimidated by wine. (And black people.)

The beer guy is comparing wine (because its only made out of one thing-grapes) to having sex in one position for your entire life. Kathie Lee didn’t seem to see anything wrong with that. Lights out, eyes shut, missionary position.

Whatever, I bet Kathie takes it in the pooper.

OMG. Hoda has a GIGANTIC glass of wine. Watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate is about as sexy as watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate.

Oh no. Hoda and K.L. are sexy dancing with their wine. I might die. Seriously.

And that’s that! Tune in for my next liveblogging foray - I’m thinking about liveblogging the bbq I’m going to on Saturday. That way I won’t have to talk to people. “Sorry! Busy blogging! Why, yes, I would like a veggiedog, thank you - now go away!”

I peed.

Is it just me or was there only one rule to swim by according to Tyler of mensstyle.stupid.com?

Well, whatever, I’m a simple person so that actually works out well for me.

Ooooohhh…now I’m learning about Romance and Finance (what happened to Weekend Getaways? I’m not complaining) Anyway, Romance and Finance. I guess 50 percent of all marriages fail due to financial disputes. Uh huh.

WHERE WAS THIS SEGMENT DURING MY LAST MARRIAGE?

Thank you so bloody much Today Show. Thanks for nothing.

I can’t even concentrate now, I’m so bitter.

Oh wait! Now we’re talking about Mariah Carey…huh..wha? Did I miss something?

So, I guess married people should have three bank accounts.

Two separate and one shared for bills. That way your spouse won’t see those debit card charges to SecretHookerHotelBookings.com - makes sense.

I’m giving up hard alcohol.

Liquor.

BOOZE.

I just can’t do it anymore. This morning I woke up and I swear to God I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt just like what I imagine a heart attack would feel like. I mean, if the person having the heart attack were, say, recovering from a night of margaritas and vodka drinks.

Last night, we went out to dinner and because everyone (not me) had to stay up until one am for a conference call we decided to cap off dinner with an hour of karaoke at The Alibi. Everyone drank a lot of water (not me) because they are responsible people (once again, not me) and I’m sure woke up fine and not grainy and anxiety ridden and cringing with embarrassment over the image of themselves singing Weezer’s Hash Pipe. Badly. (Did you know that song is about male prostitution? It is. It has very extremely embarrassing lyrics, too. GOD. I just….Jesus) Anyway, I’m sure they are all feeling just dandy about not being embarrassing at karaoke.

Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we can’t seem to stop karaoke-ing. It’s like a disease. But I feel like I’m on the downward spiral of the karaoke mania now and I could really go for a few months of yoga and green tea and a little wine here and there. And salads. A shitload of salads.

See, when we got home from the dinner and karaoke, I decided some Trader Joes mini chicken tacos would be an excellent idea. This is not something that would ever occur to me if I were, oh I don’t know, not drunk? But they were there and I was there and the stove was all hot and the hot sauce was hotter and well, I think you know what happened next.

So today I’ll work out in the gym and walk to and from Whole Foods and hopefully not gain 5 pounds of mini chicken taco fat and next time we go to Mexican food I will just have a beer or something un-boozy and I will wake up the next morning NOT feeling like a 50 year old fat man who’s just eaten a pound of sausage while running uphill in a suit of armor.

I hope.