Category — Uncategorized

UPDATE: ZZ’s fine. Thank you all so much for not only supporting me but my dog too. You guys are the best. Anypoop, she had food bloat (BEEN THERE) and now she’s all sleepy from the binging and purging. I blame her father and the way he withholds love from her when she gains a couple of pounds.

It was fine! It was just fine! After all my bellyaching and my fussiness about my hair being too hot around my face and I forgot a rubber band and Alison loaned me hers and then Megan loaned me hers too so I stuck Alison’s rubber band in the pocket of my dress and forgot where it was and now she probably thinks I’m a rubber band thief.

Which I am.

But it was fine! Alison told a really funny story about going to France and breaking up with a chubby guy back home via email because, hey, it’s France and everyone rides bikes while smoking and drinking red wine and that is HOTTT.

And other people told other stories that I pretended to listen to but really I was just managing my mild panic attack and FINALLY was ushered across the street by my best friend Sy Parrish to a nice bathroom with mirrors and water with which to wash down my klonopin.

CRAP. More later….we have to take ZZ to the emergency room. She ate a plastic bag this morning. Hang on internet.

Oh my goodness, oh my goodnessssss!!!! The thing happens tomorrow! The Backfence thing!

I’m scared. Seriously. But tonight I’m going to see a James McAvoy movie with Alison Hallett who will also be a part of the thing that happens tomorrow and maybe we’ll talk about how scared we both are and about how James McAvoy is just the thing to comfort us in our time of need.

In honor of Mackey and my fragile feelings I have today (read:terrified out of my mind) here is a video. I found it on the internet.

This whole hour has been about Father’s Day and I grew up Dadless. Between the marriage and finance thing and Dads, the Today Show has found a clever way to both alienate and wound me. Jerks.

Where is my segment on Eating Organic On a Budget? Or Wine and Choco- OH!

This segment is about Beer and Wine and Chocolate!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Kathie Lee is intimidated by wine. (And black people.)

The beer guy is comparing wine (because its only made out of one thing-grapes) to having sex in one position for your entire life. Kathie Lee didn’t seem to see anything wrong with that. Lights out, eyes shut, missionary position.

Whatever, I bet Kathie takes it in the pooper.

OMG. Hoda has a GIGANTIC glass of wine. Watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate is about as sexy as watching Kathie Lee gnaw on a piece of chocolate.

Oh no. Hoda and K.L. are sexy dancing with their wine. I might die. Seriously.

And that’s that! Tune in for my next liveblogging foray - I’m thinking about liveblogging the bbq I’m going to on Saturday. That way I won’t have to talk to people. “Sorry! Busy blogging! Why, yes, I would like a veggiedog, thank you - now go away!”

I peed.

Is it just me or was there only one rule to swim by according to Tyler of mensstyle.stupid.com?

Well, whatever, I’m a simple person so that actually works out well for me.

Ooooohhh…now I’m learning about Romance and Finance (what happened to Weekend Getaways? I’m not complaining) Anyway, Romance and Finance. I guess 50 percent of all marriages fail due to financial disputes. Uh huh.

WHERE WAS THIS SEGMENT DURING MY LAST MARRIAGE?

Thank you so bloody much Today Show. Thanks for nothing.

I can’t even concentrate now, I’m so bitter.

Oh wait! Now we’re talking about Mariah Carey…huh..wha? Did I miss something?

So, I guess married people should have three bank accounts.

Two separate and one shared for bills. That way your spouse won’t see those debit card charges to SecretHookerHotelBookings.com - makes sense.

I’m giving up hard alcohol.

Liquor.

BOOZE.

I just can’t do it anymore. This morning I woke up and I swear to God I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt just like what I imagine a heart attack would feel like. I mean, if the person having the heart attack were, say, recovering from a night of margaritas and vodka drinks.

Last night, we went out to dinner and because everyone (not me) had to stay up until one am for a conference call we decided to cap off dinner with an hour of karaoke at The Alibi. Everyone drank a lot of water (not me) because they are responsible people (once again, not me) and I’m sure woke up fine and not grainy and anxiety ridden and cringing with embarrassment over the image of themselves singing Weezer’s Hash Pipe. Badly. (Did you know that song is about male prostitution? It is. It has very extremely embarrassing lyrics, too. GOD. I just….Jesus) Anyway, I’m sure they are all feeling just dandy about not being embarrassing at karaoke.

Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we can’t seem to stop karaoke-ing. It’s like a disease. But I feel like I’m on the downward spiral of the karaoke mania now and I could really go for a few months of yoga and green tea and a little wine here and there. And salads. A shitload of salads.

See, when we got home from the dinner and karaoke, I decided some Trader Joes mini chicken tacos would be an excellent idea. This is not something that would ever occur to me if I were, oh I don’t know, not drunk? But they were there and I was there and the stove was all hot and the hot sauce was hotter and well, I think you know what happened next.

So today I’ll work out in the gym and walk to and from Whole Foods and hopefully not gain 5 pounds of mini chicken taco fat and next time we go to Mexican food I will just have a beer or something un-boozy and I will wake up the next morning NOT feeling like a 50 year old fat man who’s just eaten a pound of sausage while running uphill in a suit of armor.

I hope.

Tonight we are going to First Friday at Nemo Design. For my non-Portland readers, neighborhoods in the urban areas of our city have designated certain days of the month for local businesses to host free art shows….and they’re always called “First” something or “Last” something. In my neighborhood we have First Thursday which was last night and which we never go to because it is the douchiest of all the douchey things that happen in the Pearl District. And let me tell you, the douchey things? They are LEGION.

Afterwards, we are all heading over to The Hutch on Holgate for karaoke because it is wonderful there. And by wonderful I mean that this kind of thing happens frequently and we get to judge it. By laughing. On the internet.

Oh! But not at Sean (the one in the hat)! We loooove him.

Hahaha! Whew! Thank God I have never been drunk and ridiculous in public. Ahem.

I’m over at Crissyspage today, rummaging through her medicine cabinet and looking for porn under the beds. Not to worry, however! I’ve found a guest blogger of my own! You all remember Jenna, she of the enlightened liberal ideas about people dying of earthquakes? Let’s all give her a warm and hearty Frookies welcome!

Hey. I know already that you guys already don’t like me much already. But I feel like god has given me this chance to do someone real good hear.

By teaching them about things that matter. Like sunamis and how the Peace Core helped make that happen and what you guys can do to make sunamis better.

First, stop effing around on the web so much and start carring about other stuff like starving people and George Clooney. He is helping make sunamis better EVERY DAY.

And not everything has to be funny all the time look inside yourselves and youll see how touched you can be by other peoples lives and then that wil start making you touch yourself.

Buddhism is a good place to start.

and stop using so many of the earths resorces!! get a bike or recycle and turn off the electricity some times in your area.

Its the small changes that can add up to the big ones you know? I just feel so much hate coming from you guys and i hate that so much!!!!

so i hope you think about what i’m saying and meditate about it and that maybe, just maybe i touched you a little and it made you uncomfortable.

~jenna.

I couldn’t not put this up.

Thanks Megan!

(Dane is the bearded one dancing. The awesome one dancing, I should say.)

Dane: Robot-ing his way into my heart

Here’s a thing I wrote about a movie.

Did you read it, yet? Good, now we can move on and discuss something more important.

Forever 21 is a sneaky, sneaky christian corporate WHORE. I guess this is not new news. But it is news to me. I did some quick googling and found out I am not the only one who has noticed THIS…

The HELL?

I don’t like it. I don’t like it when Top Chef tries to sell me Glad Trash Bags and Uncle Ben’s Microwaveable Rice.

I didn’t like it when Heroes tried to push that Nissan Rogue on me, either.

But I have a very special hate for anyone attempting to smack me with the God Whammy.

So screw you Forever 21! And your only begotten son. I may not have everlasting life, but at least I will not be playing puppet to your master.

For at least two weeks. Then I will need some new eleven dollar dresses. (ELEVEN DOLLARS! WHEE!*)

*Obviously, I have no reason to feel guilty about paying this price for a dress. I mean, a Christian man would never profit from a company which earns its money from the sweat of five year old Guatemalan children, would he?