Category — tacos are just a vehicle for salsa.

Oh internet, we moved!!!! No longer must we wake up to the sight of the depressed, cigarette chewing Poor staring into our windows (and souls) day in and day out. I cannot tell you how happy this makes us. Although, we never got to stand out on our tiny fake balcony and flip The Poor the big shiny bird like we had planned but whatever and fuck them anyway because we have a real balcony now and the Poor are not allowed on it unless they would like to clean it in exchange for a sandwich or a Mickey’s Big Mouth.

And yes, Dane fell off the vagon about a week ago and he has been pussying out on telling the internet about it super busy with some big deadline thing that has to do with Nike? Or HP? I don’t really know what he does but I do know there’s a lot of type type typing on the computer and then we get a paycheck. It’s kind of just like what I do on the computer only instead of money I get the POWER and the GLORY. Sometimes I get recognized at nearby area mexican restaurants. Anyway, same same, right?

On our first night at the new place we came home after several celebratory pitchers of margarooties with Megan and Justin and immediately, because we are responsible pet owners who care about the health and mental well being of our animals, let ZZ out of her cage kennel and took her out to pee. Which she did. On the rug. In the foyer. In front of the security camera of our new apartment building.

God. And Dane almost had an embolism about it because he is tired and this is his first dog and whenever she does something she shouldn’t - like poop in the hallway or eat a whole kid - he panics.
Luckily for the both of us, and for our marriage, our new building is about 150% populated with gay dog owners who recently moved here from New York - the most unflappable, capable and funny of the gay dog owning specimen. The one who helped us was named Lucas and he misses New York SO MUCH. He was incredibly helpful (especially considering how incoherent and tequila-y I was) and ran up to his apartment to get us paper towels and Nature’s Miracle and then helped us clean up the pee.

We need to do something nice for him so help me, internet, and give me your suggestions as to what would be the perfect thank you gift for the gay dog owning Nature’s Miracle wielding New York SO MUCH missing Lucas?

Today is Thursday, which is the day before my interview with the Famous Person (who, btw, may or may not have a large gay following so I think it’s important to note that despite my previous battles with the word police, I LOVE THE GAYS, just FYI) and as foretold, I am eyeing the oven with a concentrated sort of resignation. I would be dangling my head over the toilet bowl but I haven’t cleaned it in a few days and I have germ fears.

Anyway, I’m just going to do whatever I can to prepare myself for a well organized interview and then drink the shame away later that evening when we go out to dinner at the Malay Satay Hut. I’m not kidding - that’s what it’s called. And I love satay so a whole hut filled with it is exciting for me. Which brings me to my point (ish)…yesterday I went to lunch at Pok Pok with Melissa and Alison and it was so nice to talk to smart girls about smart things like Blog Fodder and writing for The New York Times and also to talk about not smart things like boys and sweaters and being naked in public. And then Dane and I went out to dinner with friends at DF and we talked about Wikipedia redtape falderal and my enchiladas were delicious and the service was excellent. I think at one point the owner came over, wiped my mouth with a napkin, and then gave me a stimulating scalp massage for the remainder of our meal. Is that normal?

I’m still not getting to the point. THE POINT IS, we have been out for every single meal this week for one reason or another which was really, really fun, but I have yet to watch The Hills with a glass of wine in one hand, a taco in the other, and about four cups of salsa dribbled all over myself and the cat and the couch and that is what we’re doing tonight so if anyone or anything tries to come between me and those circumstances, I will bite it’s face off like a mother bear protecting her cubs.