Category — sickypants

So, I’m fairly certain I have an abscessed tooth.

That’s sexy, right?

Anyway, I had a root canal about oh, seven years ago and then couldn’t afford a crown and now all hell has broken loose in my mouth.

It’s either that or I overdid it on the hot sauce yesterday in my pita sandwich. In any case, I’m going to the dentist this morning. I’m positive it won’t cost us more than five or six million dollars.

In other news, we’re still living surrounded by piles and piles of boxes and this does not activate my latent OCD AT ALL. I’m fine with it (grinds teeth) just FINE. And Dane’s fine with it, too. He’s fine because instead of looking around for his, I don’t know, The Punisher place holders or whatever like a normal person, he just asks me where are his The Punisher place holders . And then the laser beams shoot out of my eyes and my head explodes.

Back to the tooth situation - I’m a little scared to go to the dentist because they always reprimand me for not flossing even though I do floss and they break out those little slides of bacteria and show me what not flossing even though I do floss is doing to my gums and the woman showing me the slides has perfect white teeth and I know she is judging me. Harshly.

I’m guessing they are going to schedule an emergency root canal/tooth extraction (zomg! Fake tooth!At least it’s way in the back) and I’ll be all puffy and medicated and unable to drink alcohol for a few days. Booooo.

I would liveblog my dentist trip but that would be gross.

Wish me luck.

PEOPLE.

DUDES.

And especially, JENNA.

I have the stomach flu. Dane went out of town for a couple of days and instead of ordering up some hookers and blow and thai food and then re-decorating everything with the entire Anthropologie catalog, I have been laying on the couch trying not to die all day.

And it’s getting worse. It is now 7 o’clock and I have yet to sip one sip of wine or eat one pretty yellow klonopin pill. I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy my James McAvoy Film Festival™ and write poetry about Shia La Boeuf in my moleskin journal looking pretty much just like this:

and not at ALL like this:

and work on my proposal to the New Yorker about writing the Shouts and Murmurs column under the pen name “JD Salingerish” and every column will be about phonies and goddamn twitchy skirts?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS INTERNET WHEN I AM VERY UPSET IN THE BELLY REGION?

I even have a fever which I can only believe means I have the Cancer.

Anyway, this is why I didn’t get to liveblog my Forever 21 experience so that will have to wait until Friday, I suppose. BOOO.

Still, maybe with all this not eating and/or eating but not retaining any of the eating, I’ll have lost 5 pounds and be able to fit into some of those short shorts.

I’m not holding my breath.