Category — I was raised by wolves.

Oh internet, we moved!!!! No longer must we wake up to the sight of the depressed, cigarette chewing Poor staring into our windows (and souls) day in and day out. I cannot tell you how happy this makes us. Although, we never got to stand out on our tiny fake balcony and flip The Poor the big shiny bird like we had planned but whatever and fuck them anyway because we have a real balcony now and the Poor are not allowed on it unless they would like to clean it in exchange for a sandwich or a Mickey’s Big Mouth.

And yes, Dane fell off the vagon about a week ago and he has been pussying out on telling the internet about it super busy with some big deadline thing that has to do with Nike? Or HP? I don’t really know what he does but I do know there’s a lot of type type typing on the computer and then we get a paycheck. It’s kind of just like what I do on the computer only instead of money I get the POWER and the GLORY. Sometimes I get recognized at nearby area mexican restaurants. Anyway, same same, right?

On our first night at the new place we came home after several celebratory pitchers of margarooties with Megan and Justin and immediately, because we are responsible pet owners who care about the health and mental well being of our animals, let ZZ out of her cage kennel and took her out to pee. Which she did. On the rug. In the foyer. In front of the security camera of our new apartment building.

God. And Dane almost had an embolism about it because he is tired and this is his first dog and whenever she does something she shouldn’t - like poop in the hallway or eat a whole kid - he panics.
Luckily for the both of us, and for our marriage, our new building is about 150% populated with gay dog owners who recently moved here from New York - the most unflappable, capable and funny of the gay dog owning specimen. The one who helped us was named Lucas and he misses New York SO MUCH. He was incredibly helpful (especially considering how incoherent and tequila-y I was) and ran up to his apartment to get us paper towels and Nature’s Miracle and then helped us clean up the pee.

We need to do something nice for him so help me, internet, and give me your suggestions as to what would be the perfect thank you gift for the gay dog owning Nature’s Miracle wielding New York SO MUCH missing Lucas?

So many things happened this weekend - most of them last night - but I got a lot of it on video and am busy being hanged editing it all together because I know how much you love to laugh at me.

Don’t you EVEN deny it.

Until then, here is a choice moment from our evening with Matt and Sue Davis. It’s important to watch this with the sound on and also I know it’s a little dark, but I’m the one hovering around in the background behind the guy singing. Just wait a minute and you’ll see me. it’s worth it, I swear.

Hungry Like the Wolf

Last night we went to the Portland Mercury Fashion Show because Megan lives for fashion and I live to put on a dress and drink white wine like an East Coast WASP in a John Updike novel.

Before the show, Justin, Megan, Dane and I ate dinner at Cafe Wonder which is the bar/restaurant below the Wonder Ballroom. It smells like my first apartment in there and also the ladies’ room has a light which is on a timer and the timer is only set for like a minute and a half so in the middle of putting my lipgloss on, the lights went out and let me tell you, that was more than a little disconcerting. Thank goodness I am what some might call an “expert” at applying lip gloss under duress and/or in the dark. Go wherever you like with that statement, it’s your Monday.

So I felt my way out of the bathroom and back to the table where I immediately drank um, two or three glasses of wine and ate about three pieces of lettuce from my caesar salad because earlier in the day I had eaten a gigantic turkey sandwich and also because I’m thinking of cultivating an aura of eating disorder around me. I think it makes me seem mysterious and tragic. And thin.

After dinner, we waited in the long line outside to pick up our tickets at will call because A. I am stupid and didn’t print out the tickets at home and 2. I am stupid and didn’t think to ask to be put on the list.

I suppose I should say something here about how great everyone looked in their slouchy boots and assymetrical haircuts but to be totally honest I was all drunk like a bored housewife on pinot grigio and also it was about 32 degrees outside and everyone was shivering with their shoulders up around their ears making it kind of impossible to figure out what anyone was wearing. Tights, I think. I saw a lot of tights. And some girls wore feathers in their hair which reminded me of those old Benetton ads with Native Americans wearing expensive striped sweaters. And then Dane kept making jokes at Matt Davis who was standing inside on the stairs handing out pamphlets about The Watchtower the show. I think he and Dane have their own language now. It’s mostly composed of the words “Girl” “Mate” and “Vitamins”. And also Matt was wearing a custom made suit. Jerk.

So we made it into the show and a nice woman gave me a swag bag which I promptly misplaced somewhere near the bar and we all made our way towards the stage. Then we sent Dane to get more drinks because he is really, very good at that and the next thing I knew he was dragging Ned Lannaman and Matt through the crowd towards us and he looked so PROUD - like he’d gone out hunting into the wilds of Alaska and come back a MAN. And he said to me, “Look what I brought you!” which seems slightly inappropriate now that I think about it but whatever, we’re very secure in our marriage so ok, yes, bring me men! Whee! Wait, NO. No one wants that. Now I’ve made myself uncomfortable. On my own blog.

So we watched the fashion show and I said something about Alexander McQueen and Megan and I laughed about it and after the show was over we went to Pix Patisserie and I had a Kir Royale because I am classy and Sue Davis had champagne because she is actually classy. After forcing Matt to take apart his bike so that we could then force Justin to drive us all home and we could feel virtuous in our having done a good deed AT people, I decided it would be a great idea to insult the size of the windows of the condominiums Justin and Megan had looked at earlier that day. In my shouty voice. I was very insistent that they were too small and that I did not like them. Isn’t that charming? Aren’t I charming? And I have been trying to write this post for the last three hours even though I feel like I’m dying of alcohol poisoning and the reason I’ve written so many words rather than just show you the pictures from last night is I think I left our camera at Pix and now pictures of me tongue kissing our cat on the forehead are probably circulating the internet as we speak. And that is how we do Sundays, here at The Hesselbees.