Category — I heart cylons

WARNING. THIS WHOLE POST IS A SPOILER. PLEASE DON’T READ UNLESS YOU HAVE WATCHED THE BSG PREMIERE AND ARE READY TO TAKE THE PERIL. I JUST FREAKED MYSELF OUT WITH THAT NERDY SENTENCE.

First things first – I am SO ANGRY about Ellen the Final Drunken Whore Cylon, I am having a hard time writing about this episode without getting up from the computer every two minutes and shaking my fist in the air while yelling, “Damn you Ronald Moore! Damn you and your damn dirty planet where cylons evolved from men!” or something and then sobbing into my tea.

But I’ll try.

I suppose I’ll start with the depressingly beautiful Ingmar Bergman Earth and everyone moping around in the sand. Dee’s weeping about her lost childhood and I guess how she was never any good at jacks was really annoying and totally took precious screen time away from the two actually important things which happened – the dinosaur cylon bone discovery and the Starbuck on Starbuck action.

So we find out the nuclear earth event happened TWO THOUSAND years ago and I think the first cylon insurrection (as it pertains to the BSG we know) happened about 300 years ago? If so, then maybe humans evolved from cylons – thus the cylon skulls in the sand – and not the other way around? It hurts my brain. Moving on.

Starbuck finds herself. HA! But she does and then she burns her own dead body on a pyre made of driftwood and fear. Plus, Leoben says “She told you that?” while backing ever so slowly away from Starbuck when he learns about the cylon hybrid’s secret harbinger-y message. It is scary. It is also funny.

Let’s see…what else? Roslyn becomes enamored of a tiny Wall-E weed which looks a lot like rosemary (for remembrance…Shakespeare people? Anyone?). Rosemary grows near the ocean so this makes sense. Sort of. Anyway, she’s all sad and burns her magic bible book when she gets back to her room on the Galactica. Instead of talking to all the anxious crew people, she updates her Facebook status to “Roslyn is wrong about everything – my bad” and goes to sleep on a board with her sad herb.

Next, Dee and Lee get drunk and omg, they are so totally getting back together but not having sex yet, because this time she is doing it right godsdammit and Gaeta leaves her alone to hum her creepy song and blow her brains out.

This was shocking.

I hate Dee, so I was relieved she wasn’t the final cylon. Also, I might have giggled a little when Gaeta came running back in on his canes. It was not funny, but it was funny. I was a little drunk.

Let’s see, Chief and Tory and Anders and Tigh go for long walks on the beach and everyone gets lost in some new/old romantic memories. Anders remembers playing the wrongest choice of Bob Dylan songs to a woman (Tory) he loved and Tigh remembers that Ellen is the final cylon because it says so on a magical piece of pottery in the ocean. And Chief was in love with a ripe avocado. I feel you, Chief.

So what did we learn really?

We learned that the beach where Roslyn finds the weepy weed is a really good place to touch stuff and then feel sad. We learned that the final five were around before the earth was devastated TWO THOUSAND years ago and that Ellen knew everything was all squared away for a super easy resurrection™. It doesn’t appear that Tigh knew about the super easy resurrection™, though. We learned whatever bright light holocaust killed the earthlings, it came as a surprise to the final four. We learned that the earth was made out of cylons, not people. We learned that Starbuck somehow resurrected and it scares the shit out of Leoben and we learned that he was wrong and so was Roslyn.

Oh! And Adama got drunk and overacted and Tigh stopped him from overacting by underacting and then some foxes go rogue and swim along with the current until they become fisherman.

Or something.

What did I miss?

Omg…I WISH.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments yesterday. They totally reduced me to a wet, blubbery mess while reading them on the treadmill at the gym and later, walking the dog and then again at the Rite Aid. Great job, people.

Seriously, though, thank you. It means a lot. And we finally got the hang of giving Arthur his shots, we think. The vet assured us that if we do accidentally hit a vein we won’t kill him. Bathed in relief.

To lighten things up a bit I thought I’d post this old photo of a photo of me and my best friend, Sy Parrish. This was taken when we were both about 21-ish, I think? Sy looks gorgeous and I look well, at least I look young. And skinny.

Clearly, we were both of us going through a pretty heavy Henry and June period – a movie I believe we watched approximately eleventy billion times together. Well…that and The Newsies. And Swing Kids. And Reservoir Dogs. And Until the End of the World. And Romper Stomper.

Moving on!

in other news I will be liveblogging the Prezzy debate tonight with the Merc peoples! I’m pretty excited about it. And also confused as to why they would need my expertise on ankle boots and shiny hair for a political whatchamacalit but whatevs – I’m down as the kids say.

I hope they know I’m a Republican.

What the hell Kiala. Where is the third panel?

Well, I am sorry internet, but Dane and I went to a meet and drink for Django or by Django or with Django or something last night and I had four too many vodka sodas and “entertained” a bunch of cute computer geeks with my “wit” and then had to get up early this morning to be late for a dental appointment. The computer men were all very tolerant of my software ignorance. Probably because they were powerless against the force of nature that is my shiny, shiny hair. Or (and this is more likely) they were just being polite.

Guess who I ran into on my way downtown? That Melissa Lion of Melissa Lion fame! So I dragged her with me to the Django thingy and she and Dane and I had a good convo about how he really needs to buy a pair of aviators because his sunglasses are a little “Ice Cube” as Melissa so eloquently put it. Then she went home to make herself some steak with hot sauce.

It’s really too bad she left because I was one of two girls at this function – completely surrounded by smart, successful boys. Yes, yes, I am married and very, very happy but it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a bevy of be-sneakered boys in glasses all volunteering to whip out their iPhones to look up the name of Douglas Adams’ sandwich beast* in Mostly Harmless. I mean, my God people, I’m only human.

Dane and I had a very good time talking to them about um, multi line functionality or some such thing. I dunno. I was drunk.

Aaaand I sat next to Simon Willison who created something important (Python or Django or soy milk or…okay…I don’t really know and Dane is going to kill me for that) along with another guy who I did not sit next to. They sparkled like diamonds.

I’m not kidding. They did. Like diamonds.

Simon and I talked about the difference between Trekkies and Trekkers (Trekkers go to conventions, Trekkies don’t) and then we segued into some Battlestar. Yay! He hadn’t finished season four though so I was a bit stymied about what I could or could not say. And then he told me about Dwarf Attack. I’m not going to say anything more about that because I may try to pitch a Dwarf Attack article to somebody in the near-ish future. I’m not sure. So don’t steal Simon Willison’s my brilliant ideas internet, please. Thank you.

Oh! He also told us all about this place. Apparently, you’ll get reprimanded for picking up the sugar cubes with your fingers. It sounds fascinating. And they spell cozy wrong. Do not argue with me about this, Matt Davis.

I also met a super guy named Mike Richardson. He is teaching himself how to skateboard which is awesome, right? And I guessed his age which kind of totally freaked him out, I think. In hindsight I probably should have told him I’m made out of magic and marked with the number of the beast. Oops! Sorry, Mike! We’re Twitter friends now anyway. There’s no going back.

Oh! And my new superfan Mark Gross came over and introduced himself to us. Hi Mark! Thanks for meeting me!

As we were leaving, we shared the elevator with a guy named Ben from England who said he was going home to sleep and I said, “Yes, we’re going there too. To your home.” He said, “NO!” and waved us away with his hand just as I was muttering, “No, that would be…weird.”

So at that point I had freaked out not one, but two, software engineers using only my mind and my lack of social skills. I was ON FIRE.

Dane should probably not let me leave the house anymore.

I’ll put the final episode of Kiala Comics up first thing tomorrow, peoples. Promise.

*Perfectly Normal Beast

So here we are, less than sixty hours until the Battlestar Galactica season premiere, and I am trying very hard to keep it together because there are just sooo many burning questions I want answered – and preferably answered before we’re forced to sit through another episode about a stupid rogue toaster cylon.

Questions like, what will Starbuck’s hair look like (short-ish)? Will I see Lee Adama in a different, less weenie light now that I know he has a British accent (yes)? And most importantly, if this article about the prequel series Caprica is to be believed, then could Bill Adama be the twelfth cylon (disappointing)?

I mean, I suppose this could be possible which would make Lee a half cylon. What should we call those anyway? Not halflings because that’s just gay elf-y.

Half breeds? Cyloffs?

CYLOFFS.

And what kind of powers do we think Cyloffs have? We already know they can kind of cure cancer and that is Totally.Not.Funny. (let it go Kiala, GODS), but what else do we think they can they do?

Here is my list of five possible Cyloff powers that neither a Cylon nor a Human possess.

1. When lost, the ability to navigate a spaceship without turning the stereo down.

2. Wash and go hairstyle.

3. Operate on two hours of sleep and a pint of whiskey.

4. Swing both ways. AC/DC.

5. Turn straw into gold.

Ok, now it’s your turn. GO.