Category — homophobia is funny.

It’s a long video so feel free to fast forward through parts you don’t like – although Santa and Jesus will know it if you do and you will burn in a fiery burning fire with no Christmas presents and no Gilmore Girls to watch.

It’s up to you, kids.

Cooking Healthy with Dane from Dane Hesseldahl on Vimeo.

Yesterday, it was nice out (until about 3pm when the humidity made everything totally shitty) and we needed bananas and blueberries and booze so I walked down to Whole Foods. I was pretty hanged from Melissa’s Booty Call (I’m not getting into that today other than to say that boys on bikes who call our group of girls out for no reason at all had better be prepared to be SMACKED DOWN) and having the Hangzieties on an epic scale, so I thought to myself, “Self, let’s do some calming, frilly, browsing at Anthropologie. Let’s touch all the appliquéd cardigans and fondle glass bed knobs. Let’s unfold folded things. Let’s.”

On my way inside, I noticed a tall blonde woman dressed like a mall detective (and, okay, I’ll say it – a power lesbian) follow me inside. Then I kind of lost track of her because the Anthropologie smell hit me full force and I sneezed all over a stack of silk shirtdresses. When I looked up, she was standing nearby pretending to admire some aprons.

Look, I worked in retail for ten years. I am not proud of this, I’m just saying I know what security guards look like and they look like that. What I don’t get was why I had been targeted on my way in? Was it my iced tea? Was my iced tea suspicious? Was it my tote bag? It’s not like I was wandering around Anthropolgie “dropping” my bag and then “dropping” piles of jeans onto “the floor”. I was just looking around. I wasn’t wearing a coat on a hot day or sunglasses inside. I wasn’t drunk. WTF?

I was so mad. SOOO MAD. I decided to do a few laps around the store to make sure I wasn’t being paranoid but no, at every turn, every new display, the power lesbian/mall detective was on my tail.

And here’s the part where I got really pissed. Even though I knew, I KNEW I should have asked to speak to a manager and gently let her know that her new security person was making a customer, THIS customer (yes, I wasn’t going to buy anything that day but I was planning on it, in the future – the future where I make enough money to afford two hundred dollar underwear), very uncomfortable and I was insulted and would probably never be back in again – I didn’t say anything.

I left and went to Whole Foods. I am a gigantic doormat. It’s very disappointing. So I think I should go back today and with my camera. Don’t you all agree?

Oh internet, we moved!!!! No longer must we wake up to the sight of the depressed, cigarette chewing Poor staring into our windows (and souls) day in and day out. I cannot tell you how happy this makes us. Although, we never got to stand out on our tiny fake balcony and flip The Poor the big shiny bird like we had planned but whatever and fuck them anyway because we have a real balcony now and the Poor are not allowed on it unless they would like to clean it in exchange for a sandwich or a Mickey’s Big Mouth.

And yes, Dane fell off the vagon about a week ago and he has been pussying out on telling the internet about it super busy with some big deadline thing that has to do with Nike? Or HP? I don’t really know what he does but I do know there’s a lot of type type typing on the computer and then we get a paycheck. It’s kind of just like what I do on the computer only instead of money I get the POWER and the GLORY. Sometimes I get recognized at nearby area mexican restaurants. Anyway, same same, right?

On our first night at the new place we came home after several celebratory pitchers of margarooties with Megan and Justin and immediately, because we are responsible pet owners who care about the health and mental well being of our animals, let ZZ out of her cage kennel and took her out to pee. Which she did. On the rug. In the foyer. In front of the security camera of our new apartment building.

God. And Dane almost had an embolism about it because he is tired and this is his first dog and whenever she does something she shouldn’t – like poop in the hallway or eat a whole kid – he panics.
Luckily for the both of us, and for our marriage, our new building is about 150% populated with gay dog owners who recently moved here from New York – the most unflappable, capable and funny of the gay dog owning specimen. The one who helped us was named Lucas and he misses New York SO MUCH. He was incredibly helpful (especially considering how incoherent and tequila-y I was) and ran up to his apartment to get us paper towels and Nature’s Miracle and then helped us clean up the pee.

We need to do something nice for him so help me, internet, and give me your suggestions as to what would be the perfect thank you gift for the gay dog owning Nature’s Miracle wielding New York SO MUCH missing Lucas?

Okay, so it was totally our fault for not knocking on the bedroom door before we went in but STILL.

THIS IS DISTURBING, RIGHT?

Arthur: Needs love any way he can get it.

Gay.

Doesn’t have the decency to be ashamed.

Needless to say, he is grounded until college or until he becomes a heterosexual.

Whichever comes first.