Category — homophobia is funny.

Oh internet, we moved!!!! No longer must we wake up to the sight of the depressed, cigarette chewing Poor staring into our windows (and souls) day in and day out. I cannot tell you how happy this makes us. Although, we never got to stand out on our tiny fake balcony and flip The Poor the big shiny bird like we had planned but whatever and fuck them anyway because we have a real balcony now and the Poor are not allowed on it unless they would like to clean it in exchange for a sandwich or a Mickey’s Big Mouth.

And yes, Dane fell off the vagon about a week ago and he has been pussying out on telling the internet about it super busy with some big deadline thing that has to do with Nike? Or HP? I don’t really know what he does but I do know there’s a lot of type type typing on the computer and then we get a paycheck. It’s kind of just like what I do on the computer only instead of money I get the POWER and the GLORY. Sometimes I get recognized at nearby area mexican restaurants. Anyway, same same, right?

On our first night at the new place we came home after several celebratory pitchers of margarooties with Megan and Justin and immediately, because we are responsible pet owners who care about the health and mental well being of our animals, let ZZ out of her cage kennel and took her out to pee. Which she did. On the rug. In the foyer. In front of the security camera of our new apartment building.

God. And Dane almost had an embolism about it because he is tired and this is his first dog and whenever she does something she shouldn’t - like poop in the hallway or eat a whole kid - he panics.
Luckily for the both of us, and for our marriage, our new building is about 150% populated with gay dog owners who recently moved here from New York - the most unflappable, capable and funny of the gay dog owning specimen. The one who helped us was named Lucas and he misses New York SO MUCH. He was incredibly helpful (especially considering how incoherent and tequila-y I was) and ran up to his apartment to get us paper towels and Nature’s Miracle and then helped us clean up the pee.

We need to do something nice for him so help me, internet, and give me your suggestions as to what would be the perfect thank you gift for the gay dog owning Nature’s Miracle wielding New York SO MUCH missing Lucas?

Okay, so it was totally our fault for not knocking on the bedroom door before we went in but STILL.

THIS IS DISTURBING, RIGHT?

Arthur: Needs love any way he can get it.

Gay.

Doesn’t have the decency to be ashamed.

Needless to say, he is grounded until college or until he becomes a heterosexual.

Whichever comes first.