Category — (don't) blame ferik penrikson

Last week, while Dane was out of town, I went out for drinks with a few of my Mercury co-workers…wait, that’s not right, because I don’t actually work there, I work here from my couch…so Mercury couch workers might be more accurate. Whatever. Anyway, over four or ten drinks, it was decided that I could probably be a little more controversial here at the cookie. I’m not quite sure how to do that as most of my opinions are solid gold and incontrovertible, but I’m going to try.

Here goes…

I’ve written here before about how much passive aggressive shit we get for living in the Pearl District, which I LOVE because we’ve only lived here for a little under a year and before that we lived in SE and before that NW and before THAT SE again for almost TEN YEARS but whatever. People will judge.

JUDGE AWAY JUDGIES.

So, let me tell you all a few things about my neighborhood - things you may or may not have heard about via Neighborhood Notes or The Snoregonian.

Underneath every LEEDS certified, sustainable, eco friendly building in The Pearl District is a dungeon room where we keep the riffraff (i.e. the HOMELESS PEOPLE) in individualized holding cells - or “street lofts”. Now before you knee jerk liberals get all up in arms about this and start shouting words such as “marginalized” or “personal liberties”, these street lofts are temperate, humane, and filled with activities homeless people enjoy. In each loft you will find a garbage can filled with plastic bags, paper bags, and half empty bottles of soda and booze. Each can is large enough to accommodate an average to larger than average homeless person in such cases where a person might want to really get in there and root around. These cases happen often and hourly.

The lofts have also been sound proofed for hassle free obscenity shouting.

Do they have these sorts of amenities on the Eastside? NO THEY DO NOT. We take care of our displaced here. Even if we did not displace them ourselves.

Another secret of The Pearl is the golden bowl of drinking water in every loft/condo/apartment NOT located in a government subsidized building. The drinking water keeps us youthful, hydrated, and caucasian.

And lastly (I should probably not even mention this but I’m going to) The Pearl District is actually made up of millions upon million of ones and zeros configured to look and feel exactly like a real neighborhood. And we all know Kung Fu.

That is all. Discuss! I’m going to a movie about dolls.

Don’t ask. Just blame Ferik Penrickson.

Well, it’s official. I have completely lost the ability to drink alcohol.

A moment of silence would not be uncalled for right now.

Last night, we all went out to dinner and I had three margaritas. THREE. Not seven or ten or thirty. THREE. And this morning I woke up with what I think was encephalitis. It is the only medically sound reason I can think of which would explain the pain coming from inside and around my head. And we were out of Advil. EMERGENCY.

And if I didn’t have plans with my Mom this afternoon (she doesn’t know this yet but I think those plans might include her bringing me a latte and placing a cool wet towel on my forehead while I weep softly to myself on the couch) and a movie review to write I totally would have taken the vicodin we have in the cupboard. Except I didn’t actually think of that until right this moment. WHY DIDN’T I TAKE THE VICODIN?

I am dumb. With an emphasis on the stupid.

I think my ever increasing limited capacity for alcohol has everything to do with my shorts still being a little tight (muffin top noooo!) and cutting out my regular evening three glasses of wine is an easy way to right this situation. It just kind of pisses me off that all the years I put into learning how to hold my liquor are now for naught. Or moot. Or whatever the smart words are.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got today in terms of blogsiness, HOWEVER, I do have something special for all my Fotsies out there (Face of the cookies=Fotsies…I’m trying it out). You have all been busy caring about important things and not giving a crap about my stupid famous bullshit so patient and nice waiting to hear about the Famous Person article and today is the day you find out who it is!

After the jump. Hee. [Read more →]