Category — Dane is hot.

Number One:

I love all of you so very, very much. In fact, I’ve written you a poem about my feelings. I wrote this whilst in the bathtub, surrounded by candles, and listening to Sarah MacLachahahalanannlach. Here it is:

BJ and the Bear was a really great show
But not as good as Simon and Simon,
Do you want to know which show I always hated?
Eight is Enough
And yet…
Eight is enough to fill our house with love
most accurately describes my feelings
about all of you.
Except the number is wrong maybe
because there are more than eight of you (I hope)
and I hated that stupid Nicholas
because he burned their house down.
Please don’t burn my blog down
with your love for me.
Butterflies.

Number two:

We got kittens!

On Saturday, we adopted two kittens – one for each of us. Dane and I have wildly different ideas on what makes a cat cute so therefore two kittens are what we now have. Dane likes the little short haired, skinny girl kittens, and I like the VASTLY SUPERIOR furry fat big headed boy kittens.

Here is Zelda

Cute, but inferior kitten

And here is (the good one) Whiskey

The clear winner

They’re both four months old but Zelda is half the size of Whiskey. He’s going to be gigantic. I am so excited for this I may start force feeding him like they do to geese. (Ha!I’m kidding SPCA!) Whiskey actually had some kind of disease as a kitten which he’s still being treated for with antibiotics and he has some weakness in his back legs which in no way stops him from chasing Zelda from one end of the apartment to the other at three o’clock in the morning. And then pooping really smelly, kitten poop somewhere near the ridiculously expensive new cat box we got them.

So, to sum up….I had the best birthday ever because of my perfect husband and the exceptional fantastic magnamaliciousness of you guys and also, we now have two kittens who may or may not be the worst idea we’ve ever had. I’ll keep you updated.

In other news, I am now old and I had a dream last night that when I smiled it created a black, diagonal crease on my face starting at my hairline and running all the way to my chin. So, if anyone needs me, I will be spending the rest of the day in the bathroom staring at the mirror and crying.

UPDATE! More kittah pictures. What? Shut up.

Hey Internet – Dane here.

As many of you may know – today is Kiala’s birthday. Months ago I had this idea… I really wanted to throw Kiala a super-secret Karaoke surprise party, and invite everyone that we know. Unfortunately we moved to San Francisco – and we officially don’t know anyone here, so that’s not happening.

HOWEVER – I liked the idea so much that I really still wanted to do it – so I did some detective work and got email addresses for as many of you as I could, and I sent an email asking for help to help make Kiala’s birthday really special. The concept was for everyone to record themselves singing a song for Kiala – or if they didn’t have a video camera – maybe just a picture…. or anything really.

Throughout the day I’m going to posting Kiala’s special birthday wishes. For those of you who I didn’t email – I’m very sorry, but you still have time…. email me your videos or pictures, or even just your birthday wishes sometime today and I will make sure that they posted.

Thank you to everyone who helped me out.

Happy Birthday Kiala – we all love you very, very much.

Yesterday, after a long day of dental torture, grocery shopping, and bank deposits I picked up Dane in our rented Zipcar and we headed over to Pepinos to pick up delicious burritos for dinner.

Pepinos has a tendency to fuck us over in terms of our dietary idiosyncrasies so Dane usually stands guard to make sure no one reaches for the goddamn fat making cheese while making my burrito and also that the same cheese seeking hand goes nowhere near any vegetables for his. And because I like to help I usually grab a copy of The Mercury and sit down in a corner. For years, this has worked really, really well for us and nothing weirder than getting short chipped has ever happened.

But yesterday something did. And that something was named Jeff. And he was…oh my God ladies…he was HAWT. And, and, and…oh goodness…he sat down and introduced himself to me.

“Hi, I’m Jeff, by the way”.

At least, I think that’s what he said because mostly I was mesmerized by the man shaped pheromone gun aimed at my face.

Internet, I had no idea what to do and it didn’t help one bit that Dane was laughing himself silly watching the whole thing go down.

So I just sat there awkwardly, determined to act like a lady who is happily married, but also totally humiliated that this hot guy was hitting on me, on ME, and now probably thought I was a jerk – or worse – mildly retarded.

As soon as our burritos were ready, I shot out of my chair and mumbled, “nice to meet you” and we left. I thanked Dane for not coming over and messing up my game (even though I clearly have no game and never will) and he said, “Of course honey. That guy was so good looking, I would’ve fucked him”.

We are going to be married FOREVER.

WRONG.

Enjoy this internet. Kiala is most likely going to kill me for it.

~dane

Dane and I are waging an epic battle the likes of which the internet has never seen and soon, soon my friends, the victor will emerge – bloody and triumphant – and the thermostat in this apartment will either go very, very up or very, very down.

And the loser will be super uncomfortable.

What the hell is it with dudes and their internal combustion system being so effing effed up? I am cold all the time and THAT IS WHY GOD MADE HEAT.

Anyway, right now it is about 85 degrees outside and so I have the balcony door open but in about 2 hours I’ll need to shut it so I can cool the place to negative 900 for when Dane gets home. And he will still complain about how hot it is in here.

And right now, I guarantee you he is sitting at his desk at Nemo, sweating and cursing my name while he reads this because I have the a/c turned off even though he expressly forbid that and I am flipping him off (lovingly) and dancing around the apartment because for the first time in a thousandy months I am not wearing a sweater and slipper socks.

But, because I love you Dane, here is my favorite Ben Kweller song which (and you’ll all please take note of how I manage to stick to the karaoke theme here) is the only other song I wish to GOD they would put in the books. Then I could rule like Dane.

Also, I think it’s adorable that these girls put this video together. What are they, like 9 years old?

Ben Kweller: Ruling. Like Dane. Pretty much.

Happy Karaoke Week Everyone.