Category — cut a bitch.

Last night was just terrific. Poor Dane doesn’t like the heat so I was forced to keep my warm, relaxed, summer feelings secreted away inside of me (does that sound like I’m pregnant? I’M NOT PREGNANT INTERNET) in deference to his uncomfortable and cranky situation. And he, in turn, put on a brave face and endured his own sweat with the help of several delicious vodka tonics and some beers with foreign labels.

He’s a champ, my Dane.

We went to dinner at Le Happy (I had a salad because I am a delicate flower…a delicate flower who ate a bunch of Taco Bell later that night) and then cabbed it over to Urban Grind near the Mercury Offices for the Backfence event.

It was kind of overwhelming to see so many people I know at once and I’m afraid I was a little…did I already say overwhelmed? What’s another word for that? Meagan! The Google! Get on it!

Oh! So I finally met Intern Meagan last night. She was okay.

I’m kidding! OMG, she’s adorable (and so was Intern Nathalie but whatever this is about MY intern) and funny and was wearing the best Christian Dior Grace Kelly/Lauren Conrad glasses I’ve ever seen. Ever. Also, today is Intern Meagan’s 22nd birthday! Holla! or whatever the kids say now.

She was altogether too sober though and so I did my best to make her feel bad and guilty about it. Especially while she was holding my hair and saying soothing things to me as I crouched over the toilet spewing sangria.

I’m kidding again. I did have a sangria though. It was excellent. I have a headache now.

The storytelling was good, some more compelling than others (I’m looking at you Adam Arnold) but the real standout - and I am in no way biased by my friendship with him and his hot wife Sue - was Matt Davis.

He really put himself out there in a scary, hilarious way and I will tell you something people - THAT is what makes a good story. Make people a little or a lot uncomfortable. It’s necessary. And it was brilliant.

I’m a little all over the place today - I blame the drink (that was for you Sue) - because we did end up going to Club 21 after the event with Matt, Sue, Alison, Jenn, and Autumn. I had a gigantic makers and ginger ale served with an extra side of surliness and then proceeded to pretend like I was thoughtful and demure when really I was just a little drunk. Maybe. I don’t know.

And then we went to the Taco Bell. Sue and Matt got some too so stop with the judging already. And for the record, our Radio Cab driver was the BEST about it.

Oh and Melissa Lion and I are both up in The Merc this week! It’s like some kind of heaven, isn’t it?

4:40 pm - Every single person here is a total asshole.

( I am so going to get sued for that headline.)

I don’t believe I’ve told you guys about our love, here at The Hesselbee Houselhold, for MTV’s The Paper.

I was not on the newspaper in High School because I was laboring under the mistaken impression that I was destined for The Stage. Even though I can’t sing. And my teeth are a little crooked. And I have stage fright. But whatever, I was gonna be a STAR.

After High School I went to hundreds of several different colleges up and down the West Coast - was a journalism major at most of them - but then realized that I really just wanted to read Henry James novels in the privacy of my own apartment and journalists have to actually go out into the world and talk to people which is TERRIFYING.

So I changed majors.

And never actually graduated - which is neither here nor there, just putting it out there - but by GOD, I read the shit out of some Stendhal and Diderot. Just, oh, THE SHIT out of them.

Cut to several decades later and I’m freelancing for the Mercury and thinking seriously about freelancing for other people except I keep getting distracted by margaritas and karaoke and bowling but whatever, I’m thinking about it and I find myself wondering (a little, mostly when I’m working out at the gym and I don’t know why that is but suck it people because at the gym is where I wonder) what life at The Mercury offices is like on a daily basis.

And I can only imagine it must be like The Paper, with all the shenanigans and hijinkery and backstabbing and cliquishness and…ok, I don’t know. Maybe just the first part.

The Portland Mercury; Like this or NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL?

And here we have the heroine of The Paper, Amanda Lorber- probably wiser than any old wise black woman Stephen King could ever come up with.

And I know I just split my infinitive or dangled my participle or something there but I do not have Amanda Lorber here to help me with these things, okay?

Lorber: Enough emotional maturity to kill a small horse

And to prove it here is a letter she wrote in response to a Columbia University Journalist who was talking smack about her and rather than call him a cockdick* (which is how I tend to respond to insults - also sobbing. A lot of sobbing) she used her words to retaliate.

I think she must be some kind of God or something.

*She. The journalist was a She. Sooo…a cockvagina, maybe.

I wonder if they have WiFi at Pioneer Place? I wonder this because Pioneer Place houses a two story Forever 21 and I was thinking about liveblogging my shopping experience there. Because this would make shopping at Forever 21 seem less stupid and frivolous and more important and cutting edge.

Right?

Have any of you been to a Forever 21? Recently? They’ve made them all fancy so they look like the inside of Kimora Lee’s mansion but everything is still only fifteen dollars! And once again, the eastside indie police are going to give me a tremendous amount of shit for not shopping at Frock or Sameunderneath or Souchi or what have you, but the thing is I DON’T HAVE A CAR AND FOREVER 21 IS VERY CONVENIENT AND EVERYTHING IS SO PRETTY AND SHINY SO SUCK IT EASTSIDE PEOPLE.

Anyway, if anyone knows about the WiFi situation downtown, please let me know because I am positive that you all would be thrilled to witness my liveblogging Forever 21 experience. Especially if any of those girls who work there give me attitude.

Because I will cut a bitch.