Category — cultivate a new eating disorder for Fall!

The clothes.

The pictures of the clothes and the shoes. Shallow. Vain. DELICIOUS AND CHOCOLATEY.

Or what have you. But it is officially October and I am officially still a girl so fuck off - it’s fun. Besides, there are only so many intellectual conversations about politics, books, and art I can have in any given period of time. Like, one. One conversation. A conversation which would go something like this…

Me: That Sarah Palin is a stupid whore.

Dane: I agree.

Me: Books is good.

Dane: (silence)

Me: We should buy some Etsy art.

Dane: Sure, yes.

Me: Woot! Let’s watch the Rachel Zoe Project!

Dane: (Chews on brownie).

And after that I’m good for a couple days or so and then yesterday, as if in answer to my godless prayers, the new Anthropologie catalog came in the mail which got me to thinking about clothes and…where was I?

Oh! So I was thinking about the vast vacuum of new ideas for television or movie programming and that the next logical step was obviously a reality show based on catalogs (self explanatory - models confused and hungry in Iceland or Kansas) and/or a movie based on the same.

Think about it - Anthropologie: The Catalog the Movie. Doesn’t that sound thrilling?

IN A WORLD where clothes and fancy collide and no one understands why, can a lace sweater and heathered tights sit so saucily atop a five hundred dollar pair of emerald green t-straps that it will make women whore themselves out on the street in order to buy them?

Or how about Urban Outfitters?

IN A WORLD where fluorescent lighting is the rule and not the exception and women are so bored they forget to eat, can layering five to twelve items of clothing still not look bulky?

And finally dELiA^∗s.

IN A WORLD where everyone is a popular brunette with bangs and high school lasts forever, can three girls continue to hold hands while walking, drinking coffee, wearing fringed boots, desperately holding onto their virginity, and adjusting their collective headbands…ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

Fun.

It’s the maddening tickle in my right nostril that really gets me. And it extends to everything on that side of my face. My eye is all twitchy and my ear is plugged up and there is only so much Zicam I can take before my heart explodes from the crazy zinc-y stimulant.

So I think I’ll take it easy today and just clean the house, vacuum the furbleweeds, run the stairs in the West Hills, bake some cookies, organize the closets, clean the baseboards, and write my novel. You know, veg out as the kids used to say.

In the meantime I’m here to answer your questions because it’s Friday!

And today’s advice column - in honor of my longstanding obsession with people who have food obsessions- is about nutrition. So go on, ask me your questions and I will answer them because I want you to be the perfectest perfect you that you can perfectly be.

And I may even answer one or two in video format. Huh? RIGHT? Exciting! So c’mon kids, let’s kick those eating disorders into high gear! Let’s talk food!

Right here!