First things first – I am SO ANGRY about Ellen the Final Drunken Whore Cylon, I am having a hard time writing about this episode without getting up from the computer every two minutes and shaking my fist in the air while yelling, “Damn you Ronald Moore! Damn you and your damn dirty planet where cylons evolved from men!” or something and then sobbing into my tea.

But I’ll try.

I suppose I’ll start with the depressingly beautiful Ingmar Bergman Earth and everyone moping around in the sand. Dee’s weeping about her lost childhood and I guess how she was never any good at jacks was really annoying and totally took precious screen time away from the two actually important things which happened – the dinosaur cylon bone discovery and the Starbuck on Starbuck action.

So we find out the nuclear earth event happened TWO THOUSAND years ago and I think the first cylon insurrection (as it pertains to the BSG we know) happened about 300 years ago? If so, then maybe humans evolved from cylons – thus the cylon skulls in the sand – and not the other way around? It hurts my brain. Moving on.

Starbuck finds herself. HA! But she does and then she burns her own dead body on a pyre made of driftwood and fear. Plus, Leoben says “She told you that?” while backing ever so slowly away from Starbuck when he learns about the cylon hybrid’s secret harbinger-y message. It is scary. It is also funny.

Let’s see…what else? Roslyn becomes enamored of a tiny Wall-E weed which looks a lot like rosemary (for remembrance…Shakespeare people? Anyone?). Rosemary grows near the ocean so this makes sense. Sort of. Anyway, she’s all sad and burns her magic bible book when she gets back to her room on the Galactica. Instead of talking to all the anxious crew people, she updates her Facebook status to “Roslyn is wrong about everything – my bad” and goes to sleep on a board with her sad herb.

Next, Dee and Lee get drunk and omg, they are so totally getting back together but not having sex yet, because this time she is doing it right godsdammit and Gaeta leaves her alone to hum her creepy song and blow her brains out.

This was shocking.

I hate Dee, so I was relieved she wasn’t the final cylon. Also, I might have giggled a little when Gaeta came running back in on his canes. It was not funny, but it was funny. I was a little drunk.

Let’s see, Chief and Tory and Anders and Tigh go for long walks on the beach and everyone gets lost in some new/old romantic memories. Anders remembers playing the wrongest choice of Bob Dylan songs to a woman (Tory) he loved and Tigh remembers that Ellen is the final cylon because it says so on a magical piece of pottery in the ocean. And Chief was in love with a ripe avocado. I feel you, Chief.

So what did we learn really?

We learned that the beach where Roslyn finds the weepy weed is a really good place to touch stuff and then feel sad. We learned that the final five were around before the earth was devastated TWO THOUSAND years ago and that Ellen knew everything was all squared away for a super easy resurrection™. It doesn’t appear that Tigh knew about the super easy resurrection™, though. We learned whatever bright light holocaust killed the earthlings, it came as a surprise to the final four. We learned that the earth was made out of cylons, not people. We learned that Starbuck somehow resurrected and it scares the shit out of Leoben and we learned that he was wrong and so was Roslyn.

Oh! And Adama got drunk and overacted and Tigh stopped him from overacting by underacting and then some foxes go rogue and swim along with the current until they become fisherman.

Or something.

What did I miss?

Omg…I WISH.

Hm.

Well.

Okay, here’s what happened, you guys.

I took – let’s call it a challenging – yoga class last week and the very next day came down with something that made me sleep for twenty three hours every day afterward. Has this ever happened to any of you?

So, I investigated my sicky-ness on the intertrons and it seems as if I maybe released some toxins or some such dark magicks and given myself a flu thing. Oopie! This did not, however, stop me from continuing to do the yogas every day anyway because I really, really like it and I am bored to tears with the stupid elliptical machine and it is summer all the time in San Francisco apparently so I feel like I need some kind of abominable muscles. Is that right? Did I say that right?

So that is where I’ve been. Oh! Also I am waiting for Dane to be done working on his super secret website project for one of the coolest girls in the WORLD so that he can work on MY project involving a tee shirt for one Mr. Ferik Penrickson. I would do it on my own but I do not know how the XBox works, let alone Photoshop. Never fear, Ferik, I will (continue to) withhold sex from Dane until he gets it done.

And finally we are having an all day orgasm in the Hesselbee household because tonight is the series premiere of Battlefrak Gorramifrak Battlebots Gatatertots and, as I have previously mentioned to both Ferik and Justin Stanley, I am fairly certain that the final cylon is Wall-E. I know I’m right about this because I read it on Gawker and Gawker would never lie to me about anything. It is my bible, my best friend, and my teacher. It is my first love, my father, and my mother. It is what I read in the bathroom. It is, in other words, everything to me.