Category — booze

Two late nights and a hard deadline required the best hangover cure known to man.

Pho.

Spicy.

And when I say spicy I mean turns your eyes blue like a Fremen’s, spicy.

I’ll tell you all the stories tomorrow.

UPDATE
He’s been like this since 7 pm and has no idea I took this picture and shared it with the internets. SHHHHHH.

That went a little differently than I had planned.

A LOT DIFFERENTLY.

First, Dane and I went to Ten01 for happy hour. That place is just…oh…MURDER. But the food was really good and we shared some truffle fries and I drank two glasses of champagne and pear brandy garnished with a salted almond. These made me immediately drunk. And also immediately the sort of person I never wanted to be.

Around 6:45 we ran to Powells and up the stairs and really, no one should ever make writers run, because it almost killed me and we kind of BURST into the reading room expecting it to be totally packed but instead this happened.

Which gave us an idea..

and a glimpse into the future. Maybe.

Next thing we knew the room was filling up with people and Kevin Sampsell and his friend Barb came up to us and introduced themselves and proceeded to tell us calmly, like it was not going to give us both a stroke, that we were all of us going to go out after the reading with Dan Kennedy.

And then I have no idea what happened because all of a sudden the universe collapsed in on itself and I realized that we had probably just broken reality and also that I hadn’t showered. In two days.

So the reading happened and Dan (I can call him Dan now!) was very funny and sardonic and everything and he graciously signed our printed out McSweeney’s story and then we all left to go to The Ringside. With Dan Kennedy. He came too.

DID I MENTION THAT?

At The Ringside we were all squished into a booth and ordering (thank JESUS) cocktails and you know, just shootin’ the shit and then my blog post was mentioned. The one yesterday about Dan Kennedy who, I don’t know if I have told you, WAS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH US.

Guess what happened next? GUESS. He whipped out his iPhone and with only a little prompting from me which in my brain went “No,no you should really read it, I won’t mind, honestly” but in actuality I think it may have come out like, “I don’t care that you are exhausted and away from home for forever and you couldn’t give two figs about my stupid blog, so READ IT.”

And then he did.

Outloud.

He read the blog I wrote about maybe touching his penis out loud and so for the next hour I was very very careful to avoid eye contact which resulted in me taking every conversation right across the lines that should never be crossed. I think I said something about um, dog on girl action and maybe used a racial epithet because restraining myself in any way causes me to “act out”.

When we were all leaving the restaurant - with Dan Kennedy who was still with us - we shook hands and Dan leaned in to me and said very somberly, “I want to cover you in diamonds and take you away from all this dirt and poverty“.

Isn’t that just like him?

We’re going to see Dan Kennedy tonight at Powells and I plan on touching him somehow. Inappropriately, if at all possible. On the penis, is what I’m trying to say.

I think the best thing for me to do would be to sidle up to him and say, “I don’t know if you know, but I write a blog.” And then I assume he will want to read it immediately on his iPhone, at which point, I’ll just hang back casually sipping something like a latte or no, not a latte because that will give me coffee breath so maybe green tea or just, you know, whiskey straight from the bottle until he looks up from reading and gazes full into my face for about 5 minutes before he says, “I’m going to cover you in diamonds and whisk you away from all of this, this, dirt and poverty.”

And then Dane will cough politely from behind me and I will tell him, “You are now free to seek out Zooey Deschanel - GO WITH GOD.”

UPDATE: Dan Kennedy info for the illiterate elite…

Clicky

Ok, no not really.

But Dane is in Utah until later tonight so I’m watching some Jane Austen thing on OPB and catching up on ANTM (in this episode they are “putting a spotlight on homeless youth” with a high fashion spread in Not a Real Magazine Magazine) and I made this for dinner…

mmm…salmony.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the apartment was painted in pink glitter and decorated with unicorn bean bag chairs by the time he comes home.

Don’t judge me. DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.

I met Melissa Lion for lunch yesterday at the Everett St. Bistro and I was really nervous which is totally normal for me. I think I just get nervous around new people or people who are not Dane or people who look at me with their eyes or perceive my existence in any way. I used to get nervous playing Scattegories or Monopoly with Pip, Charley, Dave, and Serena which is just STUPID because hanging out with them was basically like mainlining sunshine and vodka. Obviously, this goes a long way towards explaining the boxes and boxes of Sci-Fi/Fantasy books in our hall closet.

Melissa was super nice and relaxed and she had a beer and I tried to order a glass of wine but our waiter just walked away from me. Seriously. He asked if we were ready to order and Melissa said, “I’ll have a Red Hook” and he asked me the same thing and I said, “Not food yet, but - ” and then he shunned me. He turned his back on me and I was shunned. I don’t know why he did this except I suspect it had something to do with his heart being made of stone and also that he probably has Herpes and was weary of the shame.

Anyway, I finally did get my glass of wine and we ordered some food and irritated the fuck out of our waiter by not leaving when he wanted us to leave and I don’t give a shit because it was fun and so awesome to meet another person who does what I do, only, you know, WAY BETTER , and I spent a great deal of time handwriting a thank you note to the Internet but when I tried to shove it through the harddrive I became extremely frustrated, so I wrote this instead. Because fuck you Internet. You can’t have nice things.

Now what do I do with it?

KATH. I AM TALKING TO YOU.

I guess in the morning I’ll just put some vodka in it and start my day.

We did have a good time last night but I had three Nightlighters and two Vodka/Izze Pear Sodas. A Nightlighter is Vanilla Stoli, Godiva Chocolate Liqueur, and Starbucks Coffee Liqueur chilled, shaken and served up with a Hershey’s Kiss. It is the booziest, girliest drink ever, but because of it’s dark color and the absence of any sugar on the rim, it doesn’t look super embarrassing when you drink it. Maybe.

Anyway, that was A LOT of alcohol and I don’t even remember half of what was said to me or what I did. I mean, I remember but it’s all pretty hazy, especially after the third Nightlighter. I may possibly have insulted someone’s taste or mother or race? Also, I think I came home with things in my bag that weren’t in there when I left. Sorry The Press Club!

It was nice to hang out with Dave again, even though we didn’t talk much and honestly at that point, normal speech was impossible anyway.

And Dave is a Sea Captain now which is good because that Gang of Four thing wasn’t really panning out so it’s best we let the briny deep take him into her watery bosom.

Mostly, what I remember is me talking at Justin for like, oh, 300 minutes about…mmm…something? I have no idea? Anais Nin? I think, yes. I think Anais Nin. And Henry Miller. And then his eyes glazed over and he punched me.

No, no, he didn’t, but he SHOULD have.

Tonight Dane, Megan, Justin, and I are going to The Press Club for a dj thing Dave Allen is, um, spinning? Is that right?

I think what he does is he pushes a button and music comes on - kind of like how our microwave works only less complicated.

Before we go to The Press Club we’re going to The Nightlight Lounge which is a few blocks down on Clinton. Dane and I used to host a Trivia Night there every other Sunday until we got rid of our car and moved to the other side of town. It was really fun but a lot of work that I would basically make Dane do, because I don’t have a full time job like he does so it makes sense that he should do it. It’s purely logical and if you like, I can work it out for you with math and science. I just need an etch a sketch and a sextant.

Soooo, we are going to vegan bike messenger central and in an effort to fit in, Dane and I have decided to become “Public Vegans” and maybe also “Public Bike Messengers”. A few hours of internet research and a stop at American Apparel is all we need. I’m practicing hating everything right now. It’s not that bad.

I mean, it just sucks. IT BLOWS.

I don’t even care if you read this. I’m only doing it for my band anyway.

You know what drug I can’t kick? Wheat Thins. Or to be more accurate, Back to Nature Crispy Wheats. They’re like the “healthy” version of Wheat Thins.

I like to eat 8 of them with a wedge of Laughing Cow Lite Cheese. It makes me feel like I’m at a very bad cocktail party circa 1977 and all I’m missing is a Bacardi and Tab and a bowl for everyone’s keys.

I used to eat Kashi 7 grain crackers instead until I discovered the delicious saltiness of these. I KNOW THEY’RE NOT REALLY HEALTHY INTERNET BUT GOD, THROW ME A BONE WOULD YOU?

And I should tell you all that I had already eaten my eight crackers with cheese BEFORE I took that picture so those were put neatly back into the fridge and cupboard.

I swear it on my stack of Buffy Season Eights.

One:
Klonopin will turn your posture into your Grandmother’s posture.

Two:
Dane and I are in a band and this is the cover of our forthcoming album, You’re On My Side of the Bed Asshole.

Three:
We’re pretty sure these two are being paid to hang out with us. THERE CAN BE NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THEIR SAINTLY PATIENCE.

Four:
Slipping an aspirin into my drink is not going to make me forget my morals, Dane. I’m saving myself for Jesus and you know that.

Five:
This facial expression on Jesse means he will shortly fall asleep on your couch with his shoes still on like an eight year old who’s been at the beach all day.

Six:
Whatever Dane’s about to do to me, I probably deserved.

And lastly:
Dane is a longshoreman now and his life, his love, and his lady is the sea.

I’ll miss him sometimes.