Category — arbitrary lines will be drawn.

Shit. Sorry about yesterday internet. I was too weak from my newfound veganness to type. And too superior, I might add.

No, no, no….actually, things just got a little, really, super crazy in freelance writing world and I needed to take care of some minutiae (thanks Sy!) before my new vegan world goes vegan insane - or vegansane. Right? RIGHT?

What I am saying is I had to get a haircut.

Things are a little tight in the funds department here at the Hesselwedonotenslavebees as of this moment so luckily, I had been holding onto a gift certificate to Aveda for a few months. It was worth it. The nice Aveda lady gave me a scalp massage and I almost had an orgasm. That’s not cheating, is it? Sorry Dane!

Afterwards, I felt all relaxed and smelled delicious and cruelty free and it was beautiful outside and thanks to all the beans and vegetables I’ve been eating, my pants fit me again and ladies..we all know what a magical and wondrous feeling that is.

So, I went to Trader Joe’s and suddenly my world was FUCKED. It took me 20 minutes to find bread. Goddamn you bees! And as Stoogepie noted in his comment on yesterday’s post, by the time I had found three things to put in my basket I was ready to just give up on eating in general. This is why vegans are so slender. That and all the vegan cocaine they do.

But I ran into my friend Kenny who told me all about vegan things and promised to send me a really good mac and cheese recipe and also he has this incredibly good idea that vegan Portland hipsters are going to freak the fuck out over. Seriously, they are going to pee their fixies. I can’t tell you what it is, but I’m giving him 3 months to do something about it, or else I will. He’s a drummer anyway. He’ll probably explode or something before he makes it happen.

And today I’m going to a screening. Something about sexy teenagers. My job is HARD. And I have to take the stupid bus up to NE Portland. I’m going to try not to touch anything. Or anyone. Unless, they give me money because did I mention things are a little strained financially?

Also! I need to get some kind of badge or shirt or tote bag so I can lord my veganity over the peoples of my city. I want it to say, “Vegans Against Airlocking” or something equally as nerdy.

I’m still working on it.

I’m eating this - it’s half a veggie sausage on a whole grain ezekiel english muffin with spinach, avocado and jalapenos. I’m very healthy all the time.

Lunch: Not this one but one very much like it and soon.

So last night Dane proposed something to me. He said that I could take over his nutrition for a month (although, ominously, “not on weekends” he said) if he could take over my writing career. What he means is getting me to pitch stories to people who might say no to me which makes me cry mad and not the actual writing because I am a genius and he, sadly, is not.

What do you think, internet…should I let him and also, do I really want to force Dane to eat vegetables for a month? Doesn’t that seem like a lot of work?

Or something. I didn’t really read the post. But my friend Matt Davis did and he has opinions about it…and I’m about to have opinions about it too.

On his blog.

In the comments.

Or maybe Jenna will.

But you guys definitely should…so go over there and tell him how it is.

(Especially you Crissy. Because we’ve missed you.)

We went to a wedding in Eugene this weekend and it was everything I ever dreamed a wedding held at the Eugene Hilton would be - awe inspiring.

We started off on Saturday in our rental car and this happened because the cd player couldn’t read the discs we brought with us…

road trip! from Kiala Kazebee on Vimeo.

After we got to Eugene and checked into the hotel and made sure everyone in the lobby knew we were IMPORTANT and from PORTLAND which is THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE and that I am a freelance writer who is friends with DAVE ALLEN and I frequently contribute to The NEW YORKER THE MERCURY which is also THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE we got ready for the wedding reception.

I immediately drank a four dollar bottle of water because I roll like jelly.

I didn’t ask Dane first.

There is a video of this, but Vimeo is being a WHORE. Instead, here is a picture of us all dressed up and, I think I should mention this again, LOOKING VERY IMPORTANT.

Dane and Kiala: We pay retail.

And also, me possibly stealing some presents. I don’t know. That was not my first or fifth glass of wine.

I need a toaster. I’m not kidding. C’mon toaster!

What was the food like at the reception, you ask? It was like this..

Wedding Food from Kiala Kazebee on Vimeo.

Afterwards, everyone headed to a bar across the street which did not meet our rigorous standards of excellence - i.e. it was not the karaoke bar that was promised to us.

At this point Dane was fed up with the less important Eugene people and their sports bar, tailgating, false karaoke promising ways - so he grabbed my hand and yelled at them, “YOU MAY BE BETTER LOOKING THAN ME, BUT I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU. I’M OUT!” and we went back to the hotel room to have sex on a pile of thousandy dollars bills and empty mini bar items. Because we are assholes.

I’ve decided there will be no more karaoke for me until this song is an option in the karaoke books.

Sorry. You will just have to laugh at someone else making an ass of themselves until then.