Delusional.
YOU GUYS. Count yourselves as the lucky few to have known me before my meteoric rise to fame. (Or mediocre rise to fame…ha! Whew! See THAT is the reason I am so goddamn awesome or whatever.)
Ahem. In a couple of weeks Dane and ZZ and I are heading down to Santa Monica to be extras for The Guild Season 3!
I KNOW. I’m very excited about it. Here’s how I think it will go down:
Dane, ZZ, and I will roll onto the set (sans panties natch’) around 11 am-ish – fashionably late for our 6am call time. After raiding the Krafts table for donuts and coffee, we’ll head to our Winnebago for a massage and some hair of the dog. And by “hair of the dog” I mean smack. We’ll emerge from our trailer some four hours later and proclaim loudly to anyone who can hear us, “ALL RIGHT PEOPLE LET’S DO THIS THING!” and slowly make our way to the set high five-ing and terrorist fist jabbing anyone and everyone we see.
At this point, Felicia will probably give us hugs and braid my hair while I scream on my iPhone to my agent about my rider and “why the fuck are there 200 count sheets in my trailer now I have a rash and my masseuse was a WOMAN for God’s sake and also OF AGE which is a NO GO and because I didn’t get my happy ending then neither should you and your ass will never work in this town again!”
Then I’ll mumble something about how Scorcese ran his shoots and Felicia will soothe my brow with a cold compress and we’ll talk about eye creams and dragons.
Right?
Let me know if I’ve forgotten anything.
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20 comments
There will also be a minion. His name will probably be Adam or Ted or something. He will be in charge of setting things up for you – and he, of course, will become your day slave.
Somewhere in here, you need to slap Adam/Ted around. And call him the wrong name. Make him cry.
Wow! Now I can go around screaming, “That chick on the guild follows me on Twitter! And she’s not a spammer!” I’m totally basking in your glory!
Yes, you forgot to tell me what The Guild is.
Don’t forget to tell the sound guy what an amateur he is and to get off the set.
http://www.watchtheguild.com/about/
This may be a dumb question, but why is the title of this post ‘Delusional’?
Because I am having delusions of grandeur silly!
Jealous just doesnt have a strong enough connotation. Maybe FUCKING green with envy is a little more accurate.
Last year, I asked Felicia sign my season 1 DVD, “To ‘random guy on the street,’ my bestest friend in the whole world.” (I used my real name, not RGOTS) and she did it without hesitation. She is awesomeness personified.
And your reference to Kraft services gave me lols. (Don’t expect much more than peanut butter and jelly!)
I cant wait to read your after-filming follow up post. And Kiala, please take pictures for us, if they’ll let you!
Are we partying when you get down here or what?
@thatneilguy I already told Felicia that if she doesn’t pull a CHristian Bale at least once I will be sorely disappointed.
@rgost I will absolutely take pics if they let me! Mmm…pb and j….
@Robert Oh yes we are!!! Emailing you.
you should do a hand gesture or hair flip during your scenes, like a secret shout out to FOC.
Oh I will! What should I do?
maybe toss your hair around, flip or twirl it, a nose scratch, eye wink, ear tug, or maybe a backflip if there is room.
Eat a cookie during the scene. That can be your secret wink to us.
I don’t see how I can NOT eat a cookie during the scene. DELICIOUS.
You need to sell photos signed photos of yourself off your blog. That way, after you win a Streamy Award, you can pull a JD Salinger and those photos will be worth millions or at the very least a magical cookie.
you forgot throwing a fit and storming out of the set!!
My movie is out next month! maybe we’ll be rich and famous together!!!
I’m sorry, but you’ve mentioned NOTHING about your masseuse being from an under-developed nation. That is the first step upon arriving in LA — hiring a migrant worker to do your bidding.
#sheesh
Wow, I wish the day actually turned out like that – I like your version way better! Little did we know they would withhold food and make us stand in the sun where we *gasp* might actually get a tan!
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