My ass is sore.

I’ve decided this should be the new slogan for the city of San Francisco. For obvious reasons.

Yesterday, I decided that the moving stress blemish on my chin was not going to go away on it’s own and the only thing for it was to make the trek over the hill into Noe Valley to find the Aveda store where they keep the magical exfoliant which keeps my skin well…luminous. I’m sorry. It had to be said. LUMINOUS. I’m sure you’ve all noticed the luminosity and the only reason you haven’t said anything about it is probably because the gorgeous luminiciousness of it has rendered you speechless. It’s okay. I forgive. I’m magnanimous like that. Magnanalumicious.

So I walked up 20th and turned right onto Noe and about three blocks later I thought my lungs were going to collapse and my thighs were shaking - and not in a good way, if you know what I mean. That hill is a BITCH. It’s the kind of hill where you have to start walking on the balls of your feet because otherwise your ankles will bend backwards and you’ll end up rolling back down the hill, which can be embarrassing.

“Well,” I thought to myself, in between wheezes, ” at least it’ll be downhill on the way home.”

Oh HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh San Francisco! You had a quite a funny practical joke to play on me! I’ll admit, you got me! You rogue, you!

You see, as I got to the top of the hill, I saw that the reason they call it Noe Valley is because it’s in a fucking valley. This means that while, yes I was indeed about to go downhill into the neighborhood, I was going to have to go BACK UP THE HILL ON THE WAY HOME.

IT WAS UPHILL BOTH WAYS PEOPLE!

God, you should have seen me sweating and gasping my way to the Starbucks to get an iced green tea and then sort of collapsing in the freezer section of the Bell Grocery and then, AND THEN, when I went into the Aveda store, the girl had the audacity to offer me that goddamn hot Aveda soothing elixir or whatever tea. No, I would not like hot tea, thank you very much, can you not see that I am suffering from heat stroke and I am one warm breeze away from using your arm as a fan AFTER I have detached it from your shoulder?

Still, Noe Valley was very cute and if I can locate some lightweight oxygen tanks and maybe a sherpa or two, I will be going back there in the near future.

But not today because I live in San Francisco, the city where one way or the other, your ass will be sore.