I friended Eric Schaeffer on the Myspace.
Eric Schaeffer directed, wrote and starred in If Lucy Fell and MORE IMPORTANTLY, My Life’s in a Turnaround - a movie my best friend and I rented from Hollywood Video in 1993 and then didn’t return for so long that it took our already low credit scores to an even lower level. Like…Seventh or Eighth Circle Credit or something.
Anyway, Turnaround is a sweet, funny, indie New York-centric movie about making a movie and has a great scene with Phoebe Cates and Schaeffer in a cab (he plays a cabbie) where he asks her, “How mad are you that Demi Moore stole your haircut?”
GENIUS.
Anyway, at the time, the movie seemed so good and like something we could actually make ourselves…someday…after we got through fictional film/art/becoming famous for no particular reason school and so, because we were completely retarded, we called Manhattan Information and tried to get his phone number.
It was unlisted.
And then last night, as Dane and I were noodling around with the On Demand trying to find something to watch, we discovered that Eric Schaeffer now has a reality series on Showtime documenting his quest to fall in love as he travels across the country promoting his new book, I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single.
I was excited. And then we watched it.
Now, here’s the thing…Schaeffer has always come across as a more depraved Woody Allen and a bit of a model hoarder, but in this show he amps up the kink/horniness factor a thousandfold. In the first episode we found out he-
1,) Sleep binge eats and gets chocolate all over his sheets which he discovers really is chocolate by sniffing it.
2.) Has not one, but two dominatrixes, on call to pleasure him anally with various dildos and household objects.
and
3.) Trolls for chicks on Myspace because he is a black hole of emotional need. And let's face it - it's easy.
It.Is.Fascinating.
And in episode 5, he comes to Portland. And I MISSED it. I wonder if he spoke at Powell's and if so it was most likely the Cedar Hills Powells because I am fairly certain that there are two people in Portland who know who he is and those two people did not know he was still alive even here.
And because I would very much like to interview Mr. Schaeffer and also because in terms of stupid fucking Myspace pictures, I come across as a relatively attractive girl and obviously this is his raison d’etre, I befriended him. Although, of course, I’m married but hopefully he won’t notice this until he has committed to a four part in depth analysis on how mad I am that Phoebe Cates stole my haircut.
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32 comments
GENIUS.
this is why I <3 you.
AND - I have seen that show. No fucking lie.
I’ve never seen that show, but I really loved If Lucy Fell. It came on the cable a lot when I was younger. And I love Sarah Jessica Parker and it makes me sad when people say she has a horse face.
I loved him in ‘If Lucy Fell” and then forgot about him until he became notorious on Gawker/Jezebel.
Right. RIGHT! Like here…
http://gawker.com/5020518/eric-schaeffer-is-back-and-looking-for-tranny-action
Oh! And here is his blog…which obviously has not been updated for awhile.
Effing transient bloggers.
http://www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com/archives/your_boyfriends.phtml
bahaha!
i love how much people seem to hate him.
whoa read this salon article
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/02/08/eric_schaeffer/
ohmigod just read the salon article and that man is absolutely horrible. Worse than horrible. He’s sooo creepy. Kiala, get a hold of yourself.
Oh I don’t want to do it with him or anything…I just want to talk to him.
I saw Phoebe Cates in a play once. My high school went.
That’s what this post is about, right? Phoebe Cates?
He sounds like a catch. Give him my number.
The play was Dickins, or Dickinson, or Williams. No, no, wait, it’s coming to me. It was the guy who wrote The Lady with the Pet Dog.
CHEKHOV. Three sisters.
Phew.
Do I win something?
“Tears on a purple pillow.”
Good luck with him, he sounds hard to please.
Wait, Wait! What would happen if you commented about the “Smile on a Purple Pillow ” poem on his Myspace.
Excellent call Sy!
I have no idea who this guy is, but I do know that I am upset that I don’t have Showtime to watch the car wreck that his life seems to be.
He had a TV series a few years ago called Starved (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462140/). It was about a group of friends in an eating disorder support group. Sadly it didn’t last long, despite being hilarious. Bulimia can be quite funny.
I have never seen his movies or the TV show and I never will because I just don’t give a shit. But I am pretty sure I know him if I can just remember where the hell from.
The moral is: don’t fuck with us transient bloggers. We all know each other.
Also, myspace is a showroom of black holes of emotional need ripe for exploitation. Don’t knock it.
Great site. Thanks webmaster.
I long to be spam.
Wait. Is Stoogie upset with me?
Of course I’m not upset with you!
I love you to death! To death!
Did I sound douchebaggy? I mean more douchebaggy than usual.
I thought my comment was funny.
I really do think I might know that dude, though. No kidding.
And just so there are no mistakes, there is no irony or sarcasm in this paragraph. I know, I know, it’s hard to tell because I am such a dickwad, but seriously, I love me some Kiala. No kidding.
I love you, too, Melissa. All serious here.
Seriously.
Oh thank GOD. Thank God. I was all sad on the bus which is a sad thing to picture all on it’s own. I feel so much better now. I love you too Stoogepie.
So, how do you know him? Same dildo supplier or what?
It might be some dildo thing!
I don’t have a dominatrix so it can’t be that. I wish I had a dominatrix, though. I’m composing my bucket list as I type this.
I’m hoping he doesn’t go to my gym or where I used to get my hair cut or something like that because I don’t really know those people.
I’m thinking maybe he is a regular at a club or restaurant I go to, like 212 0r Robert’s Steakhouse at the Hustler Club or something. Or maybe he is a friend of one of my struggling film buddies who I help move all the time and for whom I do those non-paying extra roles.
Or maybe he is into pros. I know a few prostitutes.
Or maybe he gets drugs where I get drugs. I met a sorta washed-up but formerly famous dude there once.
It will come to me.
Your life ASTOUNDS me Stoogepie.
G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S.
I’m concerned about our stoogie. I think he needs a vacation or a blow job or some better drugs or something.
Also, why have I not seen this show? I must see it.
I am concerned about me, too. I do need a vacation, a blowjob, and some better drugs. And maybe a dominatrix or two.
stoogie, come up to visit us in li’l rhody.
i’ve got a sofa bed, a dark comfy basement, a wife i can lend you for dishing out blowjobs and punishment, and plenty of hook ups for good stuff.
You are a true friend, Ken.
I just might take you up on that offer….
I could never punish stoogie. I like him too much.
You on the other hand, wtf are you doing out of the basement!?!
I thought I left you tied to a pole with the genital cuff on…
Hello- found you through your post today @ surviving myself.
Loving your blog.
My dominatrix can beat your dominatrix
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