Ask Dr Intern Meagan Thursday!
It’s back kids! Our favorite new column Ask Dr. Intern Meagan ™!
So go ahead and ask Dr. Intern Meagan all your burning, itchy questions and while you’re at it could you please ask her why the fuck my shoes aren’t organized according to Goethe’s 12 part color wheel like I asked?
Thanks!
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Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
I want to look extra special and sassy for our day of fun, Forever 21, gin (at least for me) and karaoke with the lovely Kiala Kazebee. What sort of outfit would I wear that will take me from afternoon shopping into evening shenanigans ( preferably one that will distract from my karaoke performance, which promises to be…interesting). I leave my body in your capable hands.
Your loyal follower,
Nathalie
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
I’d really, REALLY like to be Batman, but it seems like sooo much work. I’d have to lose some weight, build some muscle, spend years training with spooky Asian kung fu masters, and somehow inherit billions of dollars (and a British butler) from my white trash (and living) parents.
Oh, and I like to get to bed early, too, so staking out bad guys in the middle of the night seems like it might be a stretch. I’m looking for something that’s just sort of a part-time day gig that wouldn’t interfere with my sleep or my stories.
Isn’t there any easier way for me to dispense justice?
Thanks,
J
My favorite Jewish Princess,
Lucky for you, your petite frame can take you anywhere! [bitch].
As the weather report claims that Saturday’s high will be 85, I would do something light and airy that can be easily transitioned into evening.
Something like a dress with lots of cleavage paired with a cardigan [which can be removed] or a pair of skinny jeans with a flowy top and cute flats can be both day and night.
Also remember that make-up can do a lot. For example, wearing an outfit with little makeup and peachy blush is great for day. Just adding some mascara and a deep colored lipstick can ready you for the long night at Chopsticks.
I suggest Chanel’s Monte Carlo for day. Don’t worry - I own it. I’ll bring it with me.
<3 Your Gentile Friend
Dear J,
Yes, it’s called becoming a Mall Security Guard.
Think about it - you can be fatty, ride around on a golf cart, you get a badge, and you can bust fifteen year olds [or Kiala] from shoplifting at Forever 21.
In fact - Jantzen Beach Super Center is currently hiring:
http://portland.craigslist.org/grg/sec/787287530.html
Go forth and prosper.
-M
Oh, and boss - sorry about the shoe mishap.
I thought you asked me to organize them from shittiest to prettiest.
My bad.
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
Your response last week was not only incredibly amusing but informative.
Here is my question this week.
Still enmeshed in messy breakup, I have now compounded the problem by kissing a friend, who has a girlfriend and lives in a foreign country. How many e mails is it appropriate to send per week to maintain a friendly discourse while avoiding rebounding with said person’s sexy body. And it is sexy. very sexy.
la la la la (brief break while thing of persons sexy body and hope they do not find this on the internets)
Ahem. So yes, what number of e mails are appropriate. That is the question.
Until next time.
Andie (last name has been changed to protect the privacy of friends sexy body. So much sexier than ex’s body.)
Andie -
I’m so glad you appriceate my responses. When I was young, my Mom told me I wasn’t funny. I have spent the last 22 years proving her wrong. But that’s another story!
I would say no more than two e-mails a week is going to keep your friendship ties without rekindling forbidden, naughty, dirty, steamy romance- and here’s why:
a] two e-mails is plenty to keep a conversation, without looking like you have nothing better to do than wait for e-mails
b] you can flirt a little, without heading into “To Catch A Predator” territory
c] The more time on the comp, the more likely you are to get naked, take pictures of yourself and then click send - regretting it ten minutes later. We don’t want THAT when we run for office in 2024 - am I right?!
d] It gives you time to spend finding new hot bodies to make out with that don’t live so far away!!!!!!!!
By the way - what is with you and these make-out sessions? And when can we meet? [Those questions are only slightly related]
<3 M
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan™ -
Being tremendously good looking, bouncy haired, and witty all day long can be especially trying on rainy humid days like today.
How do you deal with it?
~Kiala
Wait, did I have hot make out sessions in last week’s comment? I don’t remember.
Anyways your mom was wrong and SHIT! I’m at my e mail limit already! In one day! One day I’ve reached the limit. Sigh. foiled again. But I will take your advice, because I asked for it, and refrain from writing him again this week. There’s only so many days left anyways.
Oh, don’t think we’ll be meeting soon as I live in Oakland. But if you ever visit (and of course dane, kiala, melissa, stever, ARCHER, Allison, goes for all of you as well) you are welcome to stay at my house with me and my cats and we can prowl SF for hot boys to make out with. Who are not my friend.
sigh.
Boss Lady Kiala-
Fluffing my hair, letting it run wild, and throwing on a headband can do wonders.
Also, I usually let my boobies hang out a bit. They look smashing today. Also, I stay inside and let minnions do my outdoor work.
I’m having a boy in my office who has a crush on me go put money in my parking meter. Mwahah.
Andiee -
Yes, you talked about cheating. And I love that about you. And I will come to SF, as that is one of my favoritest places besides Portland. I will bring Kiala. We will drink. And find boys.
I know it can be difficult to stop at two. Just do something like put $1 in a jar every time you write him. Then, at the end of the month, use the monies to get yourself drunk. And find boys.
I see a trend.
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
I wasn’t invited to Karaoke. But it’s on Saturday so I can’t go anyway. WHY WASN’T I INVITED?
That’s not my question. My question is this: are Koala bears vicious. I really and truly thought I read that somewhere. And 2) is the reason hairstylists need to wear close-toes shoes because human hair can make its way into the bloodstream and slowly suffocate them?
@melissa - I replied on my blog, but they will be calmed by your hotness. It is simple, show them your sexiness and they will be pudding.
Meagan -
Do I really have to learn how to swim? I made it this far in life without it, so I think I’m fine.
KK: I can’t come. I know. Steve’s got a friend’s birthday or something he needs to attend. DOESN’T HE UNDERSTAND THAT BIRTHDAYS COME AROUND YEARLY? And karaoke is once in a lifetime … or something.
Chris: What about the poison hair stuff?
Dear Melissa Lion [bythewayiloveyourbookimreadingitnow],
You were going to be invited via Kiala because I don’t have your e-mail account. But now I see you are unavailable, and that makes me cry. We’re going shopping at 3, dinner at 6, karaoke all night. If you can come for any part of it - please do.
Now - onto your questions:
1. They can be vicious if they are picked up/handled outside of captivity. As are most wild animals. No touchy the koalas.
2. It is actually because hair on feet is gross. My BFF, Amber is a hair stylist. Sometimes she wears fishnets with her open toed heels [because shes a tramp] and she gets more tips, but has hair in between her digits. It’s just gross. Not all salons are strict about it.
Dearest Chris,
I think everyone should know how to swim. And that’s not because my family was filled with competitive swimmers and I was taught that if you couldn’t swim, you would drown in the pool and in life. I. Don’t. Drown.
Anyway - it’s a good thing to learn because you will
a} Get a hella-ripped back and torso , so it won’t matter what the rest of you looks like [i.e. Michael Phelps mmmm]
b} You can save someone you see drowning, thereby becoming famous and getting on the Today show
c} All men look good in swim trunks. All of them. I promise you this.
d} What if your Roo fell in? That should be reason enough.
<3 M
GAWD, I just got my invitation and I want to go. Maybe for the Forever 21 portion of the day? Maybe that? Or dinner? I don’t know. I have a “family” or something. But I need to be involved.
There will be live blogging too, right?
Of course!
At least twelve of us have iPhones.
A few more things: thank you Meagan for reading my book! And yay to Andie for kissing a boy! Making out is the new sex, just so you know. At least that’s what Kiala has told me. Intern Dr. Meagan, what are the young people doing these days? Are they making out or having sex?
I am on deadline, just so all of you know that.
Dear Dr.Intern Meagan
I need somewhere cheap to stay on the Oregon coast, South of Yachats towards California. Preferably 6 different places.
Hop to it.
Matt
Family schamily boss lady Melissa. You must purchase $7 vests and drink fancy cocktails! This is very important.
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan™,
I do not have a girlfriend but I think cheating makes things a lot more exciting. Is there a way to cheat without the burden of a significant other?
In an unrelated matter, there are several women with whom I would like to have sex but who either never existed or no longer exist if they ever did exist. Is there a way to get around this limitation that does not involve becoming immersed in a bad television plot?
In an unrelated matter, is there a polite way to sniff a woman’s ass when you are in a club or bar setting? I have several times this summer been put in the position of smelling a woman’s ass for the first time only after we get to my apartment when it is really too late to deal with a bad-smelling ass diplomatically. Also, how do you deal with a bad-smelling ass diplomatically?
That is all until the next time the floor is open for questions.
Your ever-faithful reader who will hopefully one day be your intern in spite of his grammatically controversial use of the word “hopefully” in this valediction,
stoogepie
Melissa -
Of course! i love your bookie! and please do come — Nathalie will whine the whole time. Besides - Nat and I had lunch today at a fancy cafe that made spinach soup and we decided that you & Kiala are Nat & I in a few years. So - we need to learn everything we can.
Also - the kids are making out with each other’s genitals. So, it’s more of a combination between intercourse and kissing. Gets the job done - takes less time. Kids these days — multitaskers.
Matt Davis -
Bet you thought I wouldn’t do it!!
Bandon is a cute little town south of Coos Bay - lots of hotels!
http://nwcoast.com/city/hotels.asp?bandon
Also - the South Coast Inn in Brookings is beautiful
http://www.southcoastinn.com/
… Eat your heart out, Davis.
Stoogiepie —
Where to begin?
First off - all you have to do is have sex with a chick who’s in a relationship. Then, you are part of the cheating, but not actually in a relationship that requires said adultery. I’ve done it. Quite a rush.
Second - I suggest getting a hold of some sort of build-your-own blow-up doll company. As I am at work [and a lady!] I will not Google that at this time. If you would like, I can make my Boyfriend do it. That way, you can have relations with whatever kind of lady you would like.
In terms of smelling - tell her you like to “dip it low” and then you dance around her, and drop it like its hot - you can catch a whiff. If you don’t find out until later - tell her that you think the crab salad you had for lunch is coming up. She’ll head out quick.
When I get important enough to have an intern - you’re first on the list!
<3 M
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
Why doesn’t Chris know how to swim?
I could ask him myself but I’m too lazy to do the email thing.
Kristen -
My guess is that his parents didn’t love him.
Or he saw “Jaws” at a young age.
Or he is the Wicked Witch of the West.
I just want to say there was no genital kissing, this was make out lite. Like one kiss, two cuddles, one kiss two cuddles. I think barely past first base.
2. HE ALREADY SENT ME TWO E MAILS TODAY!!!!!! How do I avoid. I need emotional support. though albeit the e mails were very short and mainly nonsense. Much like this comments section.
3. oh dip it low. I don’t think I’m ready to go clubbing. I just want to put that out there.
Sweet, sweet Andiee,
I believe you - the cuddle/kiss is very important.
Also - just don’t respond until later. Wait until the end of your day, and write back about how busy you are. Then, he looks needy. Which is hilarious. You can’t just get rid of someone - sometimes you have to ween off of them. Kind of like when you realize you’re an alcoholic, or you have to stop taking your Colonipen. Sometimes it’s just not healthy to stop suddenly.
3. It’s not too hard. It’s allll in the thighs.
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan™,
Here’s the deal - I have a teenage boy who thinks I’m lame. (I KNOW!!) No matter how many times I point out how hawter I am than his friend’s moms, I just don’t get the awesomesauce respect I deserve. What I DO get is a lot of eye rolling and sighing and ceiling stares. Does he honestly believe it was the freaking porn fairy that left a stack of barely used girly mags on his computer desk when he was out? Or that most mommies are cool with his staying up until dawn all summer so he can play RuneScape with his mates in Germany? Seriously, WTF?
Also, it’s been 4 months. When is he going to clean out the freaking cat box? I’m a little irritated here. Please help.
Thanks in advance.
KK: Did the interns just say that they’ll be us in a couple of years? Did they just say that? I’m at once honored and feeling very old. Can they be us in a couple of hours or something? Or like, maybe we’re them because *hello internets* we are 19.
Also, I’m going to announce this in the comments section of your blog: I AM NOT OPENING THE INTERNETS TOMORROW. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GET IN TOUCH YOU MUST CALL. No texting. My texting is broken.
Intern Dr. Meagan, please let the internets know that.
Dearest MediaChick -
First of all - I’m sure he realizes that you don’t look like other Moms - but nobody wants to admit they have a hot Mom. I suggest giving up on that until he hits 18, and you’re a “cool Mom” again.
If the eye-rolling and such doesn’t discontinue, I would suggest beginning to wear argyle sweaters and knee socks. Then take away TV, only allow him to read Rush Limbaugh books, and feed him brussel sprouts. Every. Night.
… he’ll start to appriceate you a LOT quicker that way.
Put the litter box in his room. That says it all.
Hope that helps!
Dear Meagan,
Why don’t I have any questions right now?
Melisssaaaa -
First off, I told the internets. But they’re mad. Second, we did say that - but two years is like 2010. That’s like - not that far away. That’s why we have to learn so fast!
Charley,
You are probably worrying about if your question will be funny enough or if they will garner a hilarious response. But, don’t worry Charley, the latter part is never a problem. Ever.
<3 M
Thanks Dr.Intern. I needed more detail, but I guess you’re still new to this.
[is a bitch]
Thanks a WHOLE bunch.
OWCH.
I am not up to your standards.
I’ll NEVER be good enough for you!
do i have to wait till next thursday now?
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