Ask Dr. Intern Meagan
Hey guys!
Well, I am just up to my earballs (NOT A WORD) in John Updike this week and can’t seem to pry myself away from Brewer, Pennsylvania or it’s bevy of heavy haunched ladies, sad saps and miscreants. Unfortunately I do have some responsibilities such as going to a screening today and writing for this blog.
What’s a girl to do?
Never fear! Intern Meagan has told me in the strictest of confidences that she was once a very popular advice columnist! I wonder what else Intern Meagan has done in her murky past? Firefighting? Republicans?
Ha! No, no our sweet, sweet Meagan is an angel of virginity. Just like me.
Anythings…I think in lieu of me writing about the Beer and Blog today (I just don’t have time to do it justice but Melissa did a bang up job of explaining, er, something about something - okay I don’t know but she told the room about my cat Vimeo so SA-WEET!) you should all put your questions for Intern Meagan to answer in the comments area.
Keep in mind, I have not checked ahead with Meagan to see if she even has time for this but whatever - I guess I’ll answer them if she’s busy. Sigh. I have to do everything around here.
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15 comments
Meagan, what to do when my dear friend, Kiala Krazybee, took some very sweet pictures of the two of us and she has NOT posted them on the internets for all to admire? How do I get her to post them and/ or email them to me so I can put them somewhere for the world to see how cute we are together.
And also, can you assure me, with mathematical certainty, that Obama will win the election?
Great.
Meagan, please book Kiala and Melissa Lion a flight to Rhode Island to come and visit me.
The Queen commands it.
And you should come too.
Dear Meagan,
I’m getting over a messy break up and have the incredible desire to tell my ex that once upon a time I made out with a friend of his. Is it better to let loose this scandalous information after a divorce? And if I put it on the internets, perhaps in the form of a comment on a certain fabulous person’s blog, will he find it?
Andie (last name changed for fear of reprisal in court)
Meagan,
What’s wrong with my iTunes right now? Doesn’t work.
Meagan,
Why don’t unicorns like me?
A fabulous fur coat. Exotic eyes. Raven hair. Men at my feet. DIAMONDS EVERYWHERE.
Who am I?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR!
Sorry I’m a bit lagging I believe - long weekend camping [which I do NOT do well - see my newest post] .. but HERE WE GO!
MELISSA - The only way to get through to Kiala is to threaten to take away the thing she loves most — BOOZE. Threaten to not go out with her for a Brain Slut/Trust meeting until she gets that shit up! It’s called tough love - and it works … just ask Dr. Phil.
CRISSY - Fuck yeah. Getting on that ASAP. Is Rhode Island really an Island? Also, what will we do? I like an itinerary.
ANDIE - There is nothing better than getting revenge on someone you used to love by breaking their heart all over again. Therefore, not only should you post this info in as many comment boxes as possible - but you should also take out an ad in a newspaper as well as making one of those creepy letters made out of newspaper cut-outs that says “I kissed your friend on the mouth AND I DON’T LOVE YOU” … something along those lines. But I would wait until divorce is finalized, so you look like the innocent one in all of this.
CHARLEY - Try to download the newest version of iTunes first, and if that doesn’t work, try restarting your comp. Also, the iTunes support page is quite helpful (http://www.apple.com/support/itunes/).
CHRIS - Unicorns only like virgins.
ISABELLE - Thank you for trying. Robert sucks.
ROBERT - IS YOUR NAME DR.INTERN MEAGAN?! I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO. BACK OFF MY SHIT!
KIALA - I love you for giving me this task.
Eat my white diamondz!
Dear Dr. Intern Meagan,
Hypothetically, someone I know might have to take a drug test in the near future. Can you tell me how this person might go about locating someone who does not do drugs and how this hypothetical person might best approach that non-drug-using person about purchasing urine? This hypothetical person does not even know the market rates for urine today.
Your fan,
stoogepie
ROBERT - I will hunt you down like a dog. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. Do you even know who I am!?
STOOGEPIE - I have given up drugs for the last year after an awkward interaction in the bathroom of a bar called “Marge’s” in NE Portland last year on my birthday. Therefore, I will pee in a cup for you for a meer $32 and a cookie. It’s a low price for the high quality urine I can provide - no STDs, no weird lady diseases, and well hydrated.
Sigh…can we just have a big intern hug on Wednesday?
Melissa, nothing would make me happier.
I have a friend who just bought some synthetic pee. And it worked. True story.
my sister followed my precise directions and successfully did a “pee swap” under very difficult circumstances.
if you need any pointers, stoogepie, let me know and i’ll fill you in. as for the urine, you don’t want mine.
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