I insist you Anthropologize to me.
Yesterday, it was nice out (until about 3pm when the humidity made everything totally shitty) and we needed bananas and blueberries and booze so I walked down to Whole Foods. I was pretty hanged from Melissa’s Booty Call (I’m not getting into that today other than to say that boys on bikes who call our group of girls out for no reason at all had better be prepared to be SMACKED DOWN) and having the Hangzieties on an epic scale, so I thought to myself, “Self, let’s do some calming, frilly, browsing at Anthropologie. Let’s touch all the appliquéd cardigans and fondle glass bed knobs. Let’s unfold folded things. Let’s.”
On my way inside, I noticed a tall blonde woman dressed like a mall detective (and, okay, I’ll say it - a power lesbian) follow me inside. Then I kind of lost track of her because the Anthropologie smell hit me full force and I sneezed all over a stack of silk shirtdresses. When I looked up, she was standing nearby pretending to admire some aprons.
Look, I worked in retail for ten years. I am not proud of this, I’m just saying I know what security guards look like and they look like that. What I don’t get was why I had been targeted on my way in? Was it my iced tea? Was my iced tea suspicious? Was it my tote bag? It’s not like I was wandering around Anthropolgie “dropping” my bag and then “dropping” piles of jeans onto “the floor”. I was just looking around. I wasn’t wearing a coat on a hot day or sunglasses inside. I wasn’t drunk. WTF?
I was so mad. SOOO MAD. I decided to do a few laps around the store to make sure I wasn’t being paranoid but no, at every turn, every new display, the power lesbian/mall detective was on my tail.
And here’s the part where I got really pissed. Even though I knew, I KNEW I should have asked to speak to a manager and gently let her know that her new security person was making a customer, THIS customer (yes, I wasn’t going to buy anything that day but I was planning on it, in the future - the future where I make enough money to afford two hundred dollar underwear), very uncomfortable and I was insulted and would probably never be back in again - I didn’t say anything.
I left and went to Whole Foods. I am a gigantic doormat. It’s very disappointing. So I think I should go back today and with my camera. Don’t you all agree?
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19 comments
She probably just wanted your digits.
The ultimate shoplifter for store security to catch is the one where everyone goes, “How did you know? She doesn’t look like a shoplifter!” So they’ll often gamble on someone who doesn’t fit the stereotype, just in case. Plus you look half ethnic. Could be that. The digits thing too. “Hey, there’s a hot one. And what do you know, it’s my duty to follow her around.” This is all just speculation, of course. What would I know about it?
Oh, and talking to the manager only makes the security staff that much surer that you’re guilty. It’s one of the many ways they rationalize their existence.
Really? I look half ethnic?
I don’t even know anymore.
I’m calling out Charley on being a security guard dork!
DOOOOOOOOOORK!
Oh, Chris is right. She just wanted to munch you. She probably wasn’t even rented but even if she was she was probably just looking for an opening while following you around. If you had dropped your bag, she would have helped you pick it up and slipped something of her own inside.
That happens to me too. I always thought it was because they could smell the East Side on me, but apparently they do it to West Siders too. This weekend, this salesgirl at Naked City was so eager to get products out of my hand, she whisked them away to “hold at the register” for me as I was walking up to buy the shit.
I think she’s been reading your blog and remembered that you said that money is tight right now and so she thought you might just be desperate enough to steal something.
What you need to do next time is steal something. Just so they know who’s got the upper hand.
It’s YOU! STICK IT TO THE MAN, KIALA!
Don’t take your camera… they’ll probably assume you are scouting for a terrorist attack and tase you or something.
Here’s what I would have done: looked her straight in the eye, licked both palms slowly, then pressed my slobbery palms over every surface yelling COOOOOOOOOOOTIES on my way out of the door.
However, I am not concerned about my ability to re-enter the store, while I understand you would like to shop there again without being under the watchful eye of Power Lesbian. So I guess my solution isn’t for you.
I’m calling out Robert for being a handsome young stud with a great personality! DOOOOORK!
I will repost it untill you acknowledge it!
Hey Kiala! Just started it, spreading the word. Checker out if you have time. Yes, i said checker.
modbehav.wordpress.com
I suggest doing it now, i can be a serious pain in the ass
Let her wrongly accuse you and then sue. Go on a shopping spree at Anthropologie with your settlement money.
Next time you should say something to her. Like, “Could you hold this cashmere sweatercoat up so I can see what it would look like on my sister?” Then in your best confiding voice, “she has facial hair too.”
Zoe’s suggestion is my favorite.
I read the title of this post WAY too fast and thought it said “anthropomorphize” and was confused.
That said, I adore Anthropologie.
you should have stared right at her and stuffed random items into your bag, pants, shirt, and pockets.
in order for it to be a prosecutable offense for shoplifting, you have to attempt to leave the store grounds. no attempt to leave store = no crime.
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