God, I am so much better than you I can’t stand it.
Shit. Sorry about yesterday internet. I was too weak from my newfound veganness to type. And too superior, I might add.
No, no, no….actually, things just got a little, really, super crazy in freelance writing world and I needed to take care of some minutiae (thanks Sy!) before my new vegan world goes vegan insane - or vegansane. Right? RIGHT?
What I am saying is I had to get a haircut.
Things are a little tight in the funds department here at the Hesselwedonotenslavebees as of this moment so luckily, I had been holding onto a gift certificate to Aveda for a few months. It was worth it. The nice Aveda lady gave me a scalp massage and I almost had an orgasm. That’s not cheating, is it? Sorry Dane!
Afterwards, I felt all relaxed and smelled delicious and cruelty free and it was beautiful outside and thanks to all the beans and vegetables I’ve been eating, my pants fit me again and ladies..we all know what a magical and wondrous feeling that is.
So, I went to Trader Joe’s and suddenly my world was FUCKED. It took me 20 minutes to find bread. Goddamn you bees! And as Stoogepie noted in his comment on yesterday’s post, by the time I had found three things to put in my basket I was ready to just give up on eating in general. This is why vegans are so slender. That and all the vegan cocaine they do.
But I ran into my friend Kenny who told me all about vegan things and promised to send me a really good mac and cheese recipe and also he has this incredibly good idea that vegan Portland hipsters are going to freak the fuck out over. Seriously, they are going to pee their fixies. I can’t tell you what it is, but I’m giving him 3 months to do something about it, or else I will. He’s a drummer anyway. He’ll probably explode or something before he makes it happen.
And today I’m going to a screening. Something about sexy teenagers. My job is HARD. And I have to take the stupid bus up to NE Portland. I’m going to try not to touch anything. Or anyone. Unless, they give me money because did I mention things are a little strained financially?
Also! I need to get some kind of badge or shirt or tote bag so I can lord my veganity over the peoples of my city. I want it to say, “Vegans Against Airlocking” or something equally as nerdy.
I’m still working on it.
Subscribe to my RSS Feed
20 comments
Vegans Against Humanity?
Cows ruin the atmosphere with their gas, so they should all die without being eaten?
Vegans Faint Better?
Holier Than Thou?
How come no one is mentioning my idea to become Margarigans? Seriously. I have one moment of brilliance and no one cares for more than a second. THANK YOU INTERNET FOR MAKING THINGS SO IMMEDIATE.
I’m going back to writing novels now.
NOT.
I’ve known some vegans, and not all of them were slender, but they were definitely all pasty. I’m just saying.
Melissa I saw the margarigans thing! I saw it. It’s just that I’m already one.
So yeah.
Kiala, there’s this great cookbook called Vegan Express by, shit I forget her name, but it’s a good one and the recipes are easy and not expensive to make.
Being poor totally shits.
Nava Atlas.
I looked it up.
Because I’m sitting here at a library with a library catalog right freaking here on my computer.
If no one’s mentioned it yet, vegweb.com has some great vegan recipes—with pictures and everything!
Pee their fixies? I don’t understand this.
Charley: Wait, do you mean pasty or pale like an English rose, like Snow White? Because I’d be down if I could have rosey cheeks and speak with an accent and sing to birds. I LONG to be lithe and fair. So which is? I have some salmon and a stick of butter waiting to be chucked depending on your reply.
Melissa,
Wow, a lot is riding on what I say next. I love that.
Because you’re right, there’s a world of difference between pasty and pale like an English rose. So, to clarify: It depends on the lighting.
i saw you! i saw you saw you saw you!
i’ve been reading your blog since i moved to portland (early march). i work in the pearl and would randomly think, “huh, it’d be weird if i saw face of the cookie girl on the street.”
BUT THEN I SAW YOU ON THE STREET!
i was sitting outside coffee time on 21s and irving (perilously close to trader joe’s). i was on a psuedo-date with a guy guy in a batman tee shirt and i looked up and saw you walked with your groceries. i lost my sentence with cute guy. i almost said hi. cause i think i know you. because you’re LIKE A CELEBRITY.
then because i’d fucked up my sentence i had to explain to cute guy that someone whose blog i read but have never met had just walked by and luckily he told a similar story about seeing some broadway actor walk down the street once.
and i totally should have said hi because i bet it would have creeped you out/made your day.
eff. if i wasn’t so tired that comment wouldn’t have been so riddled with grammar and spelling errors.
Like Charley, I’ve known some non-slender vegans.
The only thing all vegans have in common is that pasty look and their eating disorder.
Charley: Okay, so if I hire some lighting guys to follow me around and adjust things just so, and if I eat nothing with animal products in them, on them or near them, then I can be an English rose.
DONE!
Where does that ad go on Craigslist?
Just eat whatever and then ROCK AND ROLL FOREVER! PARTY FOREVER, LIFE RULEZ!
EAT CORN AND ROCK OUT!
Who is with me?!?!
Robert: I just need to understand this — we’ll eat corn because corn is genetically modified so it lasts longer, and the preservatives will actually preserve us longer too. And make us rock stars? And, thanks to Charley , I know I just need to hire lighting guys who will eat the corn and live forever making me beautiful with their fancy lights and I will live forever and be beautiful and I don’t need to consume any human fetuses to do so.
Let me think about.
By the way, Kiala is away from her blog right now, so I’m just taking over the comments section for her. She’ll be back in a few hours.
I am back! Thank you Melissa! Well done.
Blah blah everyone is awesome, whatever…things…OMG HI ERICA! I totally saw you seeing me and I thought my hair must look weird or maybe my shirt was all rucked up on one side and I’m also totally embarrassed because I was wearing the same thing I wore in my preparing prepared foods vimeo. that guy was cute, too. I want to know more about this pseudodate. Also you saying hi to me would have totally made my day. I kept trying to explain to my hairstylist what I did for a living and she just did not give a shit.
YAY! Say hi next time, please!
Kiala, you make me laugh for a living and I LOVE every minute of it.
I’m sorry it doesn’t pay better.
You mentioned my comment! Awesome! Because Erica is right! You are a celebrity! So I am totally excited about this!
You know, nobody can be entirely vegan. You can only be so much vegan because, after a while, you just can’t know, right? Like, does the company that grows your lettuce use manure it purchases from factory farms as fertilizer? If so, you are indirectly supporting factory farming. You’ll never know.
So, this kind of thinking should lead you to believe that, if you just cut, let’s say, caviar out of your diet, you are more vegan than the person who has not. I’m just saying that you can be part vegan just like the best vegans without depriving yourself as much as the best vegans. By this standard, I am a vegan, though not one who really goes all out or anything since I had cow on a bun just now for lunch. Still, go principles! No caviar for me today!
Also, please tell us more about the sexy teenagers.
Yes, stoogepie, yes: Degrees of veganness! I like it.
stoogie, you’re reading too much into this thing. are you trying to hurt her brain? black and white, man–black and white.
Leave a Comment