Secrets of the Pearl District - REVEALED!
Last week, while Dane was out of town, I went out for drinks with a few of my Mercury co-workers…wait, that’s not right, because I don’t actually work there, I work here from my couch…so Mercury couch workers might be more accurate. Whatever. Anyway, over four or ten drinks, it was decided that I could probably be a little more controversial here at the cookie. I’m not quite sure how to do that as most of my opinions are solid gold and incontrovertible, but I’m going to try.
Here goes…
I’ve written here before about how much passive aggressive shit we get for living in the Pearl District, which I LOVE because we’ve only lived here for a little under a year and before that we lived in SE and before that NW and before THAT SE again for almost TEN YEARS but whatever. People will judge.
JUDGE AWAY JUDGIES.
So, let me tell you all a few things about my neighborhood - things you may or may not have heard about via Neighborhood Notes or The Snoregonian.
Underneath every LEEDS certified, sustainable, eco friendly building in The Pearl District is a dungeon room where we keep the riffraff (i.e. the HOMELESS PEOPLE) in individualized holding cells - or “street lofts”. Now before you knee jerk liberals get all up in arms about this and start shouting words such as “marginalized” or “personal liberties”, these street lofts are temperate, humane, and filled with activities homeless people enjoy. In each loft you will find a garbage can filled with plastic bags, paper bags, and half empty bottles of soda and booze. Each can is large enough to accommodate an average to larger than average homeless person in such cases where a person might want to really get in there and root around. These cases happen often and hourly.
The lofts have also been sound proofed for hassle free obscenity shouting.
Do they have these sorts of amenities on the Eastside? NO THEY DO NOT. We take care of our displaced here. Even if we did not displace them ourselves.
Another secret of The Pearl is the golden bowl of drinking water in every loft/condo/apartment NOT located in a government subsidized building. The drinking water keeps us youthful, hydrated, and caucasian.
And lastly (I should probably not even mention this but I’m going to) The Pearl District is actually made up of millions upon million of ones and zeros configured to look and feel exactly like a real neighborhood. And we all know Kung Fu.
That is all. Discuss! I’m going to a movie about dolls.
Don’t ask. Just blame Ferik Penrickson.
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16 comments
Love. It.
Okay, I am considering buying in the Pearl. Will I need to know kung fu beforehand, or will someone teach it to me when I get my keys?
I’m totally looking forward to this golden bowl of water, because I turn 30 soon and fear I am getting sun lines.
You already know kung fu, Rhi. You just don’t KNOW you know it.
My main beef with the Pearl when I lived there is that rising prices and fucking Whole Foods caused Ozone to go kaput! Other than that, it also felt like it was the only part of town that offered me absolutely nothing. But that was like a bajillion years ago when I lived in Portland.
Over a bajillion?
I’m waiting for the condo prices to plummet and then I’m going to become a Pearl District slum lord.
Right, right, BUT we have an Anthropologie.
Ok, I know I’m not helping.
Mmmm. I think you lived in SE for 10 years if by 10 you mean 2. Or if by SE you mean NW. Or if by You you mean Me. But other than that, all of that other stuff is 100% true. Also, there is nothing wrong with living in the Pearl. Some of our best friends live in the Pearl. And by some I mean you guys and Jack & Megan. Everybody else is just jealous that you have an apartment free of lead paint, asbestos, and 2 prong sockets.
You should feel guilty about where you live.
An army of white, middle-class Kung-Fu experts???
Unstoppable!
I’m with Matt. Living somewhere nice requires many apologies and a guilt complex.
This is all very interesting. Rumor on the streets here is that Seattle wants their own Pearl District and they are attempting to trun South Lake Union into Pearl…They put a transit in as a first step (and stupid trendy restaurants that my sister insists on going to). Anywho, the transit…they call it the South Lake Union Transit.
Don’t make me spell it out for you!
Oh, all right - the S.L.U.T. So I want to live there and ride the SLUT.
In certain towns in our state you cannot say that you live in Lincoln or people will look at you in That Way and then they start throwing their crack pipes and their pickle jars full of pee down on top of you.
It’s Embarrassing.
Sounds like heaven.
I knew it!
Pearl people, like stepford wives without all the awesome fashion…
how was the movie about dolls?
It was not terrible.
It actually wasn’t about dolls…which is probably why it was not terrible.
(Oh! But I love Crissy’s Barbies. Barbies are not dolls. They are Barbies.)
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