Proof of Life
So, remember how Dane inebriated-ly left our camera at Pix Patisserie on Sunday night? Well, apparently something far more sinister than drunken forgetfulness was afoot because Monday evening around 8ish - smack in the middle of Gossip Girl - we were sent an ominous message via electronic mail from a group calling themselves the “PFLF” which, I guess, exclusively uses capital letters to form anagrams and/or issue demands - a clue or a red herring?!!? The message went as follows:
we are the peoples foto liberation front!
we have your foto device!
you will only see it again if you follow instructions!
1) SEND 1 CAMERA PHONE PICTURE OF FOOD
2) 1 CAMERA PHONE PICTURE OF A DOG!
3) 1 CAMERA PHONE PICTURE OF DANE SINGING “LOVE HURTS”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lil’ activist extremists are adorable!
Dane immediately capitulated to the first two demands (WHO WOULDN’T?) but refused the third until they could prove our camera was alive and unharmed.
They responded with this:
you are playing a dangerous game dane hessalbee[sic]!
here is your foto!
be sure: we will cut the SD card right out of this foto device!
Gasp! Poor Foto! Russell Crowe might will save you!
We had no choice but to comply with the third demand:
Obviously not the first time Dane has sung Love Hurts
If there is a God and He is not a Vengeful God or an AIDS Is Not Funny God, by midnight this Saturday, our “foto” should be safely returned to us unharmed and -oh my dear lord please- untouched in it’s secret regions by those filthy, filthy monsters.
(sob.)
UPDATE: FOTO IS IN DESPAIR! HE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT TO SATURDAY!
We just received this from the internet - somewhere in New Orleans:
FOTO NOOOOOO!!!
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13 comments
Dane did tell you that he’s done musical theater in the past, right? He’s a natural and stuff.
Now ask me what the musical was… go on, ask.
Someone had a lot of time on her hands…
stuff like this doesnt happen in real life.
Or maybe it does and I either a) have the worst friends ever or b) have no friends at all.
Gossip Girl was great last night by the way. Im glad its back, I now have a reason to keep on living
Gosh.
I so wish I wasn’t half in the bag right now because I would be able to come up with something better to say other than “Bwahahahah that’s funny!”
Shut up.
It’s 9:47 here.
That last picture scared me.
Please ask them if they abducted my dear iPhone, too. He was kidnapped from me a couple weeks ago, but I have heard nothing. He was wearing a maroon full-body rubber suit and aluminum underwear.
That is weird and hilarious. It must be someone you know if they know how to contact you, right?
If God were not an AIDS Is Not Funny God, he wouldn’t have invented AIDS. ‘Cause if there is a God, he is obviously quite the joker.
But there isn’t, so Foto is probably screwed.
nothing fun like that ever happens to me.
Nels- The Wizard of OZ! (your mom showed me pictures plus Dane brags about it all the time.
Chris- It isn’t me, I swear!!
Kelly T-Gossip Girl WAS great last night. DId you check out Serena’s awesome orange boots? FAB.
Kristin- I am so glad you drink wine at night. You complete me.
Melissa Lion- It should . I feel like I’m always one cocktail away from that scenario.
Paul- Your iphone totally deserved it. Aluminum underwear=SLUTTY.
Arielle- You’re probably right. It’s a mystery!
Mickey-foto is totally screwed!!! You are right!
Ashley- What wopuld you like me to kidnap first?
What are the odds that the SD card won’t actually be filled with pictures of the fotonappers’ ass(es) upon its return?
Because that’s what I’d do.
Or maybe I’d take pictures of me with the camera down my pants, but I no’t send those along until after you’ve had the camera back for awhile and started taking pictures with it again.
I hope foto doesn’t have Stockholm syndrome when you get him back - how horrible would that be? He might take bad pictures on purpose. Maybe you should have a therapist on hand for his homecoming.
justin’s comment made me think of a story i heard a long time ago:
someone who lived down the street from a friend of mine had their house broken into while they were on holiday.
the thieves took the general stuff, like tvs and vcrs and jewelry and such. this was back in the mid-late 80s so there wasn’t nearly the technology laying around that we’d have today. still they took everything that was worth more than $20.
luckily the family had taken some of their stuff with them, like wedding jewelry, watches, and their main SLR camera with them. there was a small cheap p+s camera left behind in the house with some film in it, but it was so cheesy that the robbers did not even bother to take it.
so anyway, they get called back home from their vaca when the cops discover the place ransacked, and call their insurance company, lick their wounds, talk to their shrinks, whatever. after a few weeks life slowly starts to feel normal again.
when they go to get their film developed they finish off the roll in the cheesy p+s camera and get that done too.
they finally get the prints back (remember when it took like a fucking week to get film developed and printed?) and start looking through the shots. some of the heartache and disappointment and guilt of being broken into starts to fade away as they look at the fun they had on their trip.
that is, until they discovered that one of the pictures from the p+s camera shows the robbers. well, not the entire robber, really–just him with his pants around his ankles, bent over…
… with the bristle ends of their two toothbrushes wedged up his ass.
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