I have excellent manners.
Last night we went to the Portland Mercury Fashion Show because Megan lives for fashion and I live to put on a dress and drink white wine like an East Coast WASP in a John Updike novel.
Before the show, Justin, Megan, Dane and I ate dinner at Cafe Wonder which is the bar/restaurant below the Wonder Ballroom. It smells like my first apartment in there and also the ladies’ room has a light which is on a timer and the timer is only set for like a minute and a half so in the middle of putting my lipgloss on, the lights went out and let me tell you, that was more than a little disconcerting. Thank goodness I am what some might call an “expert” at applying lip gloss under duress and/or in the dark. Go wherever you like with that statement, it’s your Monday.
So I felt my way out of the bathroom and back to the table where I immediately drank um, two or three glasses of wine and ate about three pieces of lettuce from my caesar salad because earlier in the day I had eaten a gigantic turkey sandwich and also because I’m thinking of cultivating an aura of eating disorder around me. I think it makes me seem mysterious and tragic. And thin.
After dinner, we waited in the long line outside to pick up our tickets at will call because A. I am stupid and didn’t print out the tickets at home and 2. I am stupid and didn’t think to ask to be put on the list.
I suppose I should say something here about how great everyone looked in their slouchy boots and assymetrical haircuts but to be totally honest I was all drunk like a bored housewife on pinot grigio and also it was about 32 degrees outside and everyone was shivering with their shoulders up around their ears making it kind of impossible to figure out what anyone was wearing. Tights, I think. I saw a lot of tights. And some girls wore feathers in their hair which reminded me of those old Benetton ads with Native Americans wearing expensive striped sweaters. And then Dane kept making jokes at Matt Davis who was standing inside on the stairs handing out pamphlets about The Watchtower the show. I think he and Dane have their own language now. It’s mostly composed of the words “Girl” “Mate” and “Vitamins”. And also Matt was wearing a custom made suit. Jerk.
So we made it into the show and a nice woman gave me a swag bag which I promptly misplaced somewhere near the bar and we all made our way towards the stage. Then we sent Dane to get more drinks because he is really, very good at that and the next thing I knew he was dragging Ned Lannaman and Matt through the crowd towards us and he looked so PROUD - like he’d gone out hunting into the wilds of Alaska and come back a MAN. And he said to me, “Look what I brought you!” which seems slightly inappropriate now that I think about it but whatever, we’re very secure in our marriage so ok, yes, bring me men! Whee! Wait, NO. No one wants that. Now I’ve made myself uncomfortable. On my own blog.
So we watched the fashion show and I said something about Alexander McQueen and Megan and I laughed about it and after the show was over we went to Pix Patisserie and I had a Kir Royale because I am classy and Sue Davis had champagne because she is actually classy. After forcing Matt to take apart his bike so that we could then force Justin to drive us all home and we could feel virtuous in our having done a good deed AT people, I decided it would be a great idea to insult the size of the windows of the condominiums Justin and Megan had looked at earlier that day. In my shouty voice. I was very insistent that they were too small and that I did not like them. Isn’t that charming? Aren’t I charming? And I have been trying to write this post for the last three hours even though I feel like I’m dying of alcohol poisoning and the reason I’ve written so many words rather than just show you the pictures from last night is I think I left our camera at Pix and now pictures of me tongue kissing our cat on the forehead are probably circulating the internet as we speak. And that is how we do Sundays, here at The Hesselbees.
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17 comments
I understand the booze part, but the rest pretty much confused me.
And can I tell you how disappointed I was when I followed that link to the Portland Mercury Fashion Show site and didn’t see any models actually wearing copies of the Portland Mercury? What the fuck happened to truth in advertising?
I didn’t drink last night and still I feel totally hungover. You know why? Because my body needs booze and when I quit because of stupid things like I’m getting fat and depressed, well, my body punishes me.
Were there bare boobs in the fashion show!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
All I remember is you in the back seat screaming (SCREAMING) “BUT THE WINDOWS ARE TOO SMALL!”
Then I think you punched Dane. After that, things get a little foggy, but I think I remember you opening the car door and telling Matt to “tuck and roll! tuck and roll!”
That was very thoughtful of me. I could have just pushed him out and never thought about it again.
Um, was that drunk, bored housewife comment directed at me?
Because I feel like it was.
And for the record, we like Sauvignon Blanc.
Pinot Grigio is so last playdate.
And you can totally join my fat ass goes to confession club.
I’ll be expecting your report tomorrow.
It is always charming to tell people what they don’t want to hear.
Always.
….I’m waiting for some oversensative freak to go on a rampage about how “making fun of eating disorders is not funny and some people really struggle with it…” blah blah blah
Apparently people are much less sensative about anorexia then AIDS, who knew
Jessie, that’s because anorexia only affects rich, white girls who we all hate now (after watching The Hills).
AIDS affects young, dark-skinned kids in Africa whom the media has programmed us to feel sorry for and yet do nothing to help. Except buy a RED cell phone because now I’ve actually taken action and can feel good about myself.
And, for the record, this story was much more entertaining than ANY movie Corey Haim has been in ever. EVER.
you are so glamorous and very “I do things sometimes.” I wish I was “do things sometimes.”
[…] we went out to the Portland Mercury Fashion Show, and our friend Kiala wrote a characteristically delightful and amusing story about it. She emerged from the evening with insightful and witty analysis. What did I come away […]
This bit:
“So I felt my way out of the bathroom and back to the table where I immediately drank um, two or three glasses of wine and ate about three pieces of lettuce from my caesar salad because earlier in the day I had eaten a gigantic turkey sandwich and also because I’m thinking of cultivating an aura of eating disorder around me. I think it makes me seem mysterious and tragic. And thin.”
made me spit water all over my keyboard. It is not even 10am and I had to bother IT because I needed a new, less damp keyboard. Awesome.
To seem mysterious and tragic you could also make veiled references to a past heartache or terrible accident. I do that so I can eat more and seem mysterious at the same time.
[…] remember how Dane inebriated-ly left our camera at Pix Patisserie on Sunday night? Well, apparently something far more sinister than drunken forgetfulness was afoot […]
how DO you tongue kiss a cat’s forehead anyway?
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