Billy Joel would tell me if I looked fat in this.
I am watching that Ashlee Simpson on the Today Show right now and I just cannot figure out what the hell she is wearing. It appears to be David Lee Roth’s pants paired with one of my mom’s suit jackets circa 1982. Also, she is orange. Everything about her is now orange. Anyway, I guess what is really freaking me out is that she is beginning to, omg, look too old to be wearing the things she wears. And this brings me to something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. We all know how old-ish I am and the thing is, I still shop in the juniors department at Macy’s and Nordstrom and this is because those are the only sections where A. The jeans fit me and 2. They don’t cost eleventymillion dollars.
FOR INSTANCE, I was buying earrings and maybe a hoodie (for nineteen dollars which is basically free) at The Brass Plum the other day and doing a pretty good job of avoiding my tall, tan salesgirl who really, really wanted to talk about what I was looking for in particular and this other woman (I’ll admit I thought she was about 40 years old or so) was standing in front of me holding a tee shirt with a bird or a fox or something on it. Her salesgirl (saleswoman, WHATEVER) snatched it out of her hand to put in her dressing room and the older woman blurted out, “Am I too old to wear that?” And I thought to myself, “Oh my lord, am I too old to even be in here? Is it just sad or creepy or what? And am I being rude to my salesgirl who is just doing her job for which she gets paid 9 dollars an hour to feign interest in what I am looking for in particular? And also, no one else in this world has ever cared enough to ask me that question and maybe I should take a good hard look at myself and think about why I would reject someone who may possibly love me in a way no one else ever will.”
The salesgirls both laughed and said to the woman, “No! Don’t be silly!” and I was nodding my head vigorously in a kind of desperate support, to which the woman replied, “Well, I’m turning 36 next week so it’s not out of the question.”
This age number confused and frightened the salesgirls but one of them, the other tall tan one, said, “See, even this girl agrees with you and she doesn’t even know you” and pointed at me.
And then I said, “Well, I’m turning 35 this year, so I kind of have to.”
I must tell you, I have never seen a woman in her mid forties who is also soon to be turning 36, turn on her heel and huff her way towards the dressing room so FAST. She was like a puma or a leopard or whatever moves fast and has age spots. I stood there for a minute, trying to think of something I could say to mend the damage I had just done with my stupid honesty but she was already gone and my salesgirl had disappeared and I realized I was alone in Nordstrom and free to rifle through a whole pile of skinny jeans looking for my real size and not the size I say out loud and no one would be there to ask me what I was looking for in particular and that Billy Joel was right about honesty and that song makes so much sense to me now.
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14 comments
HAHA. Damage or not, that was funny and sometimes people need to be told the truth.
On a different note, I hate salespeople who won’t leave you alone. I don’t need help removing dresses in my fake size (so true) from the rack and I don’t need you to walk me around the store showing me things I’d be interested in. The beauty of having eyes is that I can see them for myself! This is why I would never work in a commission-based role.
This is why I’ve started clothes shopping almost exclusively at Target (GASP! SHE COULDN’T BE SERIOUS!) because no one bothers you, and the ladies at the fitting room don’t care if you live or die in there as long as you’re not stealing stuff.
And yes, Billy Joel is brilliant.
You’re never too old to shop at Forever 21.
I know exactly what you mean. One time I was at Nordstrom and I was panicking because why is everything so damn ugly and then I realized that I was in the women’s, when I am so clearly a junior.
Just stay away from anything that’s been bedazzled. You have to draw the line somewhere.
God, this kind of thing freaks me out too. I mean you don’t want to all the sudden be an old lady wearing mom jeans, but at the same time you don’t want to look like a creepy old lady wearing a BP mini-skirt. I just stay away from the ruffled mini-skirts. Although, I hope I would have stayed away from them at any age, but still…
I don’t get it and I’m okay with that.
I’m with Mickey.
But I left you this comment just so you know I was thinking about your blog.
I definitely get the bedazzling thing though
What happened to our plan to lie about our ages? WHAT HAPPENED?!? I’ve been telling people I’m 19 and you’re 21 and we’re going to the DMV to get you a new license because you’re going to give your old one to me and gawd, aren’t we cute?!?
“awww, you had to be a BIG SHOT, did’ja, you had to OPEN up your MOUTH…” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5cuXFvPTY8
[no, i don’t really think that. i just think one should always reply to a Billy Joel song with another Billy Joel song.]
Sharon, that was a good one!
I’m so mad that I didn’t think of it.
This one is for the ladies:
You all know Nelson from the Simpsons? Well just imagine his voice as you read this…
“HA-HA! You’re old.”
If it was possible over the internet, I would then slug you hard in the gut. Cause that’s what Nelson would do.
Wow, do salesgirls really make 9 dollars an hour there? That’s, wow. I guess I really was working for less than my worth for all those years.
“She was like a puma, a leopard …”
I can’t decide whether you were intentionally making a clever allusion to “cougar”.
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