More about my anxieties.
This Friday I am going to be doing a phone interview with a famous person. The thought of this gives me the tremors.
I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my very real phobia of talking on the phone. The phone freaks me out. And cell phones are even worse because they can cut out and there’s always some kind of weird time lag and you can’t cradle them comfortingly to your face and neck region the way you can with a regular phone and I never know if I’m really talking close enough to the speaking box part thing - the mouthpiece, I mean.
I knew this would happen eventually - I signed up for it when I started writing film reviews and please don’t get me wrong - I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT MY FAMOUS PERSON INTERVIEW. In fact, it is killing me not to tell you who it is - and I don’t even know that I can’t tell you, but it just seems like common sense not to talk about it until it’s printed. I GUESS. I just think that Christian Bale would be sad and hurt if he read about it on the internet before I had the chance to explain to him about my blog.
NO. I’m kidding. It is not Christian Bale because if it were Christian Bale you would not be reading this or any future blog posts from me as I would be too busy packing my things and preparing my divorce papers and practicing my new Mrs. Kiala Bale signature over and over again…with a Newsies Swing Kids Treasure Island Reign of Fire pen.
Anyway, that is what I’ll be doing on Friday. On Thursday however, you will most likely find me with my head either in the oven or dangling over a toilet bowl. In fact, that is going to be the title of my article about the interview,
“Dangling Over The Toilet Bowl With Christian Bale”.
I SWEAR it’s not Christian Bale.
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15 comments
You’re interviewing Batman! You’re interviewing Batman! You’re interviewing Batman!
Okay.
Sorry.
please tell him to read my blog. Please!!
Okay. But it’s not Christian Bale.
I’ll still tell him.
I know who it is, but I’ll save my cavernous cleavage comments until you let the world know who it is.
You sound freaked out. Want to get high?
Let us know if you need help preparing. We can all start role-playing on the phone (no, not that kind of role-playing), pretending we’re various celebrities while you mock interview us. We’ll belittle you and try our best to make you cry, just like Famous Person will.
I do a mean Bruce Campbell impression, too… except that I sound/look/taste nothing like him. But I’ll have Bubba Ho-Tep playing in the background the whole time to set the tone.
Because he clearly must also play all his movies continuously around the house.
To remind him of his greatness.
I would.
I wonder if its me?!?!?!
Famous person. Whatever.
What’s important is: I fear the telephone as well! See, I get along so poorly with the phone that I still call it a TELEphone! I hate that fucking thing! You know I’m not kidding because I’m still using exclamation points!
So this person has cleavage, huh? Christian Bale DOES get pretty deep into character…
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s…
… MELISSA LION.
Okay, that sounded more dramatic when I thought of it…
If it’s Johnny Depp tell he’s behind on my child support payments again!
Fucking bum.
Oh, and Chris, It’s not Batman.
I am Batman.
Remember?
And I don’t do interviews.
I’m telling Alfred that you’re being a bitch again.
You’ll continue the blog once you’re Mrs. Kiala Bale right? Pretty please? Don’t be one of those obnoxious celebrity wifey people who only do charity’s and plastic surgery.
Nels, I am in love with you. Madly and passionately.
Christian Bale is one of my celebrity crushes too! Along with Leann Rimes. I wish they would sing a duet together. Christian’s part would be about him having manlove for me and Leann’s would be about wanting a 41-year old lover.
Also, I love The Shield. But I don’t want to screw Michael Chiklis.
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