I do not enjoy being a girl in America and I have no solution to this problem.
We stayed up late last night to watch The Hills premiere (yes, I realize 10:30 may not be late to most of you, but to me it’s the equivalent of four o’clock in the morning - IT’S THE SAME THING OKAY?) and aside from the fact that Mariah Carey was higher than a kite and rambled on and on about burning her hair on a curling iron or something and really, someone should tell her that the smell of burning hair could mean she’s having a stroke, it was obvious to everyone that Whitney and Lauren were making her tremendously self conscious with their youth and useless beauty. She wouldn’t stop moving from one Top Model Trick of the Trade to the next - hands on her hips, twisting to one side, clavicle forward, CLAVICLE FORWARD, chin down, etc - and I was suddenly struck with the notion that I do all those things all the time. And I thought, crap, did I learn that from Tyra or Janice or what? And why for God’s sake? Why am I clavicling forward at like, the fucking bank or wherever?
Meh.
And when the lady asked Mariah about her figure, she said, I swear to Christ, she said, “The diet part is really boring but then we can fit into our dresses, right?”
And then I immediately got up, ate a bunch of chocolate, and cut all my hair off.
NO! No, I did not do that. My hair is my power.
And I know, I KNOW it is my fault for supporting shows like The Hills in a passive way, but even if I didn’t watch it, I’d still be all caught up in the Beauty Myth because I live here in America where nothing is ever good enough and these last nine pounds of divorce weight make me feel like a failure even though I bought the two best pairs of jeans ever yesterday and blah blah etc. Feminist, diet, etc, crap.
So what to do, what to do? I don’t want to bitch about it forever and I really like shopping and wearing lip gloss and thinking about shoes 30 percent of the time so I guess I’ll just suck it up and walk it off. Basically, I’ll pretend that being female in America is exactly like ninth grade gym class.
NO! No, wait, I don’t want to do that at all.
Sometimes I have stupid ideas.
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31 comments
I just wanted to say that I totally wonder “Hmm, am I smiling with my eyes like Tyra says I should?” when taking pictures. I have actually taken “before smiling eyes” and “after smiling eyes” self-portraits to see if I’m doing it right. I’m not. You aren’t the only one!
Wow. Just wow.
And also, holyshitI’mgladI’mnotagirl.
Sometimes at work, when I’m walking down the long hallway to the far away bathroom, I practice my “model walk” like I’m walking down the runway. Then once I get into the bathroom I check a pose in front of the big mirror (as long as no one is in there of course). I’m so not ashamed. Until I get caught… then I will be utterly embarrassed and even more insecure in the office. That sounds fun.
I don’t know what the hills is or a clavicle is or what its like being a girl, but I do know that you shouldn’t worry about what america thinks since you have a husband who probably thinks your the hottest thing in the universe and in the end that’s all that matters!
Leave the self-consciousness to the single folk! The pathetic, pathetic single folk! HA!
there was defintly something wrong with Mariah.
Like you said, she did one too many lines before hitting the stage.
This morning while sitting at my desk, I heard all the girls around me having exuberant discussions about The Hills.
Why was Mariah Carey on it? This woman here went to a Mariah concert last year and touched her shoulder. I want to do that, but to Carrot Top.
i like to spell things wrong.
Arielle - This makes me want to get to know you better.
Mickey - And how!
Chandra - What girl doesn’t do that? Robot girls, that’s who.
Robert - Thank you..he does. But he also thinks Rachel Bilson is hot and this makes me question certain…things.
Chris - She was defintly high.
Isabelle - Right. That is correct. You are right to not watch it BUT you still like shopping. DON’T DENY IT. I’ve seen your clothes.
Chris - Me troo.
I love to have millions of clothing items but I hate the hunt. My shopping trips have a 5% success rate. I wish all stores displayed their clothing facing out. Then I wouldn’t have to hunt so hard which makes me too tired to try things on and I either give up or buy stuff that I find out doesn’t fit when I get home. I also wish I could see something on someone, point and say “that” and have it appear in my closet in my size. I don’t mind paying. Just deduct the cost from my bank account, no need for a hand to hand transaction.
Isabelle - Well, God, YES. Is there..I mean…can that happen?
Kiala, let me know how the pumpkin spice cake/muffins turn out! I also wanted to warn you, its gonna be thick, and you’re going to want to add water or something else to it, but DON’T! It should turn out perfect with just the mix and can of pumpkin. Bake it til a toothpick comes out clean.
God knows I’m with you on this BUT; Less America’s Next Top Model, more BSG. Less Vogue, more McSweeney’s and the New Yorker. Less American Apparel, more make outs with the one who can’t get enough of you. Yay, pretty clothes and lip gloss, yes, ALWAYS! But what happens if you actively cut out a couple of media items that make you feel like shite and replace them with something that remind you you are smart, funny, pretty and like you could probably round house someone if you had to? I know you know, I know. I’m just saying it. Like a mantra. An anti-self-loathing-marketing mantra.
Becky -thank you! I will let you know how it turns out. Fo sho.
Sy - I KNOW. But the problem is Dane and I looove to deconstruct pop culture. It’s our favorite. In fact, I was just talking to Chris (surviving myself) about this. We (Dane and I) talk about it for HOURS like it’s The fucking Iliad or something. And then, what happens, is the crap seeps in. I wonder if Chuck Klosterman has these same self esteem issues?
Do you ever find that the media induced self loathing is just a little bit of a high? Albeit, a really, really unpleasant high? Cause that happens to me sometimes. Or it’s like those kitten nightmares. At first, it’s warm and fuzzy and then it’s - OMG, no, save the little kitten! Then you feel gross all the next day. Bleh.
I always put my hand on my hip in pictures. Otherwise, my arm would probably look fat. Just a little trick I picked up from Beyonce.
Also, let’s get to the point - what kind of jeans?
does anyone remember janasha (sp?) from one of the first cycles of ANTM? she was 5′6″ and they kept yelling at her to GROW!GROW!but she couldnt and eventually got sent home? She works at the hooters in Seattle and my boyfriend at the time took me to see her. She was bartending but I was a bitch and couldnt bring myself to say anything. and you know what? She is pretty short.
Arielle, I do that too.. I have to, I hate having “fat arm” or “lunch lady arm” in my pictures..
Ever hear Adam Sandler sing Lunch Lady Land! Take a look at Chris Farley’s lunch lady arms and hair net.
we all do it. whenever i wash my hands in the bathroom, i take extra long to practice smiling for the camera (with my eyes??? haha-i’m totally with you on that one arielle), how to tilt my head down and slightly to the right, no smile vs half smile vs full smile, a wink. seriously. the worst thing is that it’s kinda addictive and being a good ‘ol american girl makes it inevitable to be that way.
I actually have never heard of arm on hip technique. That’s a good one.
Kiala, this might be inappropriate given the message of this post but you look really thin (like that was one of the first things I noticed when I first came to your blog) in all of the pictures up here so I was totally suprised by this post. But, man do I agree, it really sucks, not only do I have to worry about how I look IN PERSON but I photograph soooooo badly I have to worry extra when there is a camera around. And all girls worry about stuff like that all the time. Not fair. Even though I like clothes and looking at models and catalogues so I bring it on myself?
Shouldn’t you be watching something like America’s Next Top Liver, considering how much you can pound The Drink? You could be ON it (maybe with a Canadian teammate).
I know. I’m always catching myself clavicling.
Ha - Matt’s comment made me laugh, just yesterday two of my friends and I were talking about how we should quit signing up to run races and start a beer drinking team instead (because we aren’t awesome runners but we’re highly party-trained). I never win medals for running, never will - I’ll get always get the “participation” crap they give… But we could totally win medals for chugging beer instead of running. I want a drinking medal now.
Kiala–I just wanted to tell you that I have been lurking quietly on your blog for a few weeks now. You are hilarious! I always loved reading your comments on kath’s blog (that’s how I found you)…and by the way, I think Mariah has been high for several years straight:)
useless beauty (the real king?) …that was very good writing. Nice blogging, girlie!
You make me giggle a little in the uncomfortable way which leaves me wondering if I have a girl crush on you or I just think you’re slightly “inappropriately” funny. Haha.
I like to shop and wear lipgloss, too. Especially if it tastes like candy or there’s an ice cream place in the mall.
Here ladies, this should make you all feel better:
http://www.glennferon.com/portfolio1/index.html
dis blog is populer
All I know is the only reason there are any pictures of me in existence that don’t have my hand up in front of my face is because you are so good at being in front of the camera. I just tell myself to strike a Kiala pose, and next thing I know, I exist on Flickr. This never happened before I met you.
You know who I have a girl crush on? maggie gyllenhaal.
and you know who I have an old man crush on? Clint Eastwood. No Joke. I’d probably do Steve McQueen, too. He’ll be my dead guy crush.
Sy- Yes! It not only gives me an excuse not to think too deeply about anything, it makes me feel superior AND also lets me off the hook for Doing Something With My Life because I have someone to blame for my failures.
Arielle- Hand on the hip, yes, I need to remember that. And they were Silver jeans.
Kelly T- Really? I would have had her make a drink and then bend down and lick my boots. What?
Chandra- I delete all lunch lady arm pictures like they never happened. Thank you digital camera!
Treblemaker- I miss Chris Farley.
Betsy- But doesn’t it make you mad? Like you know, dudes aren’t doing that, they’re playing Wii or whatever. Well, maybe some dudes do it.
Phoebe-Thank you! (Right? Thank you?) but I totally delete the fat pictures. Well, not FAT, but you know, a little chubby in places. You know what I mean. But thank you, I realize I have a somewhat distorted body image. Still, I am 10 pounds heavier than I used to be. Gah. Stop it Kiala.
Matt- I would RULE on that show.
Kristen- Right? It’s hardwired.
Chandra- Oh, they should make a drinking for breast cancer marathon. I would feel so awesome for two reasons!
Janie- Welcome! Feel free to lurk or comment or both, yay!
Melissa- Thank you and yes, you are the only one who got that.
Green Tea- Aww…I’m blushing. But not on my face! Ha! I don’t know what I meant by that.
Dane- That always makes me feel better.
Robert- Only because you’re here.
Megan- But I am copying you! Oh no! We just created a wormhole!
Kelly T- I used to have a girl crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal, but now it’s on Rachel Wiesz.
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