Dinnertime at the Hesselbees.

I’m roasting some butternut squash right now and when it’s done I’m going to scoop it out and mash it up and stick it in a whole wheat tortilla with some cheese and black beans. Then I’m going to sit back and wait for Dane to begin convulsing as soon as he realizes he just ate something called SQUASH. Which is a VEGETABLE.

I was going to try passing it off as the orange sauce that comes in the Kraft Mac n’ Cheese Boxes – a sauce that, according to Dane not only cures cancer but can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew – but I think the consistency (read: not toxic) might tip him off.

This could all be a moot point once he tastes the Queso Fresco and his larynx closes up causing his brain to melt because WHAT THE HELL IS QUESO FRESCO and WHY DOESN”T IT COME FROM A POUCH?????

Later on I’m going to serve him a brownie and tell him it’s marijuana. Laced with PCP.

Thank God we only live on the second floor.